Anthology

Last year's anthology and this year's fall retreat left me wondering why I went, whether I had learned anything at all. Coming into this year's anthology, I was excited but I did not want to expect anything in fear of being let down. I did expect though, I expected anthology to have really powerful speakers that could maybe speak truth in my life.

This year's anthology exceeded every expectation I had. It's too dense and my thoughts are scattered so...time to process.

Vulnerability

Kimberly Cassanova led this year's women's time. One thing she said that spoke to me was that the enemy wants to make us feel as if we are the only one. Women's time led me and the other sisters in my year to share about our past and to share about topics that are usually "taboo" among girls, such as fantasizing or porn or masturbation. People assume that guys are the only ones that struggle with this, but girls are equally prone to fall into this temptation as well. It was so FREEING to be able to confess our sins and to be able to encourage and love our sisters on a deeper level. It felt like a true community, and our only intention was to love others and love God through this deeply intimate time. 

Outreach

The basis of every foundation has to be love. This is something I realized recently, when I noticed that it almost became a chore to be around my non Christian friends. I didn't know who my friends were anymore, what they liked and didn't like, how their personalities were and what made them explode at any second. I have been asking, praying, begging God for opportunities to show them His love and to love them with my heart as well. The Facebook outreach was definitely something different and something nobody really does on Facebook. But God did call us to be uncomfortable, and he called us to walk on the path that is less traveled. In the instructions sheet, it asked us to text our friends and ask if they had any prayer requests. Two of the four friends responded back asking if THEY could pray for ME. I feel as if it was a reminder that when we give up and lose hope, God never gives up. Matthew 9:37 - that passage never said that the harvest was impossible. And everything is possible for God.

Affirmation 

The last night of anthology. Somebody was sharing, all the people around me were crying. Before anthology I have been feeling insecure about my worth and about my ability to lead others, especially in small group. The fact that I wasn't crying was the last straw. A slew of questions popped up in my head: "Why am I not crying? Am I not feeling anything? Is God not convicting me? Does He not care about me enough to affirm me or help me feel something?"..etc. While struggling with these thoughts, we were asked to line up for the confession board. In the line, I saw Pradeepan standing 10 feet in front of me and I had the urge to pray for Him. I looked around and nobody else was praying. What would I even pray for? After 2 minutes of deciding whether or not I should obey this gut feeling which is probably the Holy Spirit and go pray for Pradeepan, I decided to take a step in my faith and pray for Him. It turns out that Pradeepan had been praying to the Lord for somebody to pray for Him. Personally, that in itself is affirmation for me. It was God saying that I am strong enough to love others and not just to accept receive love. And that if I love others, I will still receive an infinite amount of love for Him and that He never will leave me. Crazy..

Prayer

Another thing that happened on the last night. After I prayed for Pradeepan, God set it on our hearts to pray for two of our brothers. I have struggled with prayer, being comfortable in openly talking to God and not feeling ashamed that my prayer is not "good enough". I have also struggled with wanting to pray; I have not seen a "use" for it many times. But that night God started to heal  and place prayer in my heart. 

I think through anthology I definitely rediscovered a core theme of the Gospel and a sure foundation of my faith. I was able to experience love and realness (vulnerability, transparency, pure and true devotion for God). In fact, as I am writing and re-processing this, I realized that I have not been real in my faith and real to others. I try to give advice that makes me sound mature, that I think will help them but the only thing I am called to do is love them with God's love. I don't need to earn my friend's love, whatever I say they will accept me because I have already let them see my real self before. I don't know if I'm making sense but YEAH God is cool.

Randoms

Something I realized yesterday is that the Bible is written so long ago..2000 years? Or maybe even more? And the things that are written still apply to us today, all the teachings and parables. Yes there are other books about fables, virtues, and parables but the Bible probably contains every problem and every instruction that we come across. That's a true testament of God's perfect plan to me.

Shame is not an emotion that God wants us to feel. It is one of the hardest emotions for me to deal with, especially if I feel like I have failed or wronged a friend or messed up something. It is hard to not give into it, even after a year of realizing that I shouldn't give in to it. I have this fear now that I will never conquer this.

I am not looking forward to going back. I feel like I have gone forward in my walk, but after seeing everybody's passion for God I feel like I have gone backward. I know I shouldn't base my walk with God off on other's walk with God but it's just too tempting. Same with the shame and guilt thing.

Shame and guilt is weighing down a lot on my heart at the moment.. I feel like I know these things, that I know I shouldn't feel like this and that God is never ashamed of me. I know that but I feel like I'm stuck in a very strong bubble. I'm at the edge and I'm trying to pop the bubble but I can't. I need breakthrough