Shannon Wey

Hi! I know that we have a mutual understanding of how deep our love and friendship goes, but writing poetry is something I've wanted to do for a long time. I've always failed and never finished my poetry, but I think God has finally given me something that I am passionate about to write on. Enjoy! (And sorry it's a little corny... I needed to be cheesy because I am very bad at rhyming. I also did not edit so I'm sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes.)

Shannon

The first time we met was at EKG,

I was shy and thought you were scary.

I didn’t really know you then,

And little did I know we would become good friends.

I didn’t see you much second semester of freshmen year,

Even though our rooms in Blanton were near.

You were struggling with community and things,

While I grew in God and began mingling.

Then came the fated summer of 2012,

And wow, how deep did our friendship begin to delve!

I remember how happy I was to see

That God placed you about 10 feet away from me!

We did not know each other,

But as the only two freshmen girls, we stuck together.

You were there for me through the curiosity and the crying,

And I was there for you through the breakup and the growing.

I remember the summer was when I said with a nod,

“Wow this girl really loves God.

Look at all the things she is willing to give up for Him!

I’m not willing to sacrifice everything, not even a limb.”

And since then, it’s been such a journey.

With you, I feel as joyful as someone who has just won a world tourney!

With every twist and turn,

Our passion for God and our love for each other continue to burn.

And so today is a very special day!

It is your 20^th birthday!

I don’t know what I am doing,

But I hope you will accept my love and appreciation for you, if anything.

And so happy birthday to a girl who is so loving!

Bold!

Caring!

And kind of old!

Happy birthday to a girl whose love for God knows no bounds,

And whose faith in Him continues to grow in mounds.

Happy birthday to a daughter who always runs back to her Dad,

And whose smile and laughter can chase away the mad and the sad.

Happy birthday to a best friend who shows me a patience that is rarely seen,

And who provides a hand to hold and shoulder ready to lean.

Happy birthday to a sister who trusts in the unseen,

And who shows me a love like that described in 1 Corinthians 13.

So I conclude with this,

That throughout this year, I pray you would know that you are His.

Thank you for the countless minutes, hours, days.

Happy 20^th Birthday to you, dear Shannon Wey.

The Why's

I had this whole long post on love and the things I am struggling/learning through love, but I scrapped all of it and decided to write this.

Why?

Why has God made me like this? Why am I the one to get hurt most of the time, the one that seems to care just a little bit more than the other person?
And to go "deeper"... Why am I the one that always makes the first move, the one that always reaches out or initiates first? Why do I seem to care more than others, the one seem to get hurt more than others? Why am I weak? Why can I not be strong?

A little background...
Everyday this week has been a battle for me. I wrote a blog post a few days ago about a long-going battle, but now everyday is a battle; the enemy is unrelenting. This week, every time that I am in my room, I have to fight the temptation of hiding in my room. I have been so unwilling to see people in general. But I have realized that in wallowing in my losses, my hurt, and my struggle, I have been severely failing God's second commandment - to love my neighbor as myself. I wouldn't say I love myself, but I definitely put my needs above others. That's what I've been doing all this time and I hate it. On top of everything, I feel lonely; I haven't been able to share with anybody the past week, but that's also mainly because right now I don't want help from anybody. In fact, I despise it and I don't know why.

Everything built up, and this afternoon Joell came back from lunch and asked me how I was doing. As I started with just the little thing that happened today, tears started flowing. I've cried so much the past month, but this one was such a desperate cry out to anybody for help. It was different from any another cries I've had because it came from a place of true hurt and desperation. This place of hurt slowly built up in the past few days. It came from the realization that even though people noticed I haven't been around, and some people even tangibly feel my distress, I can count on one hand the number of people that have genuinely asked how I was doing this past month and a half. It also came from the fact that 2 people I held so close to a few months ago, not once in the past month have they asked me how I was doing spiritually with the Lord. And I have been falling so hard. The realization that I could have fallen away completely and they wouldn't have noticed or cared broke me.

Joell's view on life in general is more hard than mine is. Every one of her friendships feel like this, but I feel as if her heart has grown a little bit hard from it. I know that this is the reality, that those that I love will not love me back as much. But I can't ignore that second commandment; I've learned to take His commandments seriously. But I was so conflicted, between self-preservation and choosing to love but always being hurt again.

I am sick and tired of being the weak one. The sensitive, vulnerable, helpless one. I have never held so much contempt for who God has made me to be.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made prefect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me" - 2 Corin 12:9

Thank God for putting Kristy in my life, a sister who thinks the same, who walks the same, and above all who loves the same as me. Literally everything I said during discipleship today, it was something that she either thought or went through. And she's been through the "why's" before, and I thank You so much for giving us that conversation today. It's ridiculous how much the tables have turned and how much she is teaching me, but that is the purpose of discipleship - for her to be bigger and better than I am.

Through our conversation, God revealed to me that of course He has a purpose for creating me this way. I've been praying for a kind of compassion that involves touching and being touched by others. But Kristy helped me realize that I have already been given a kind of compassion - a compassion that allows me to hurt as other people hurt. I feel as if this compassion is the "dark" one, the one that is more inline with sacrificial love. I've always wanted the compassion that was all butterflies and rainbows and feelings, but this compassion that I have is so different: it cuts so deep.

I found out the truth today, and the truth is that most of the time I will love more than the other person. And I can confidently say that because this love, this compassion is God given. I've always secretly despised how weak this makes me. Especially at this time, when even asking someone who has hurt me just a little bit to eat requires me to take a giant leap of faith. Putting myself out there requires boldness and courage, and it requires me realizing that I am facing a risk of failure, denial, and rejection. Every time I put myself out there, I put myself in the mercy of the other person. But above that I put myself at the mercy of God. 

So what do I do with this love & compassion if I can't run away? I still don't understand why it's necessary to have people like me in the world. But as Kristy explained to me how she realized her worth in God's eyes, I began to see mine. Looking back as to how my friendships started, I have been the one to take things "deeper" first. Growing up, I have always been the one to say sorry first. God can work reconciliation through me. God has used my vulnerability to open wide & fruitful doors for me. God can use me.

In the end, I do not know the exact reason why I am the way God has made me to be. But I can confidently say that He has made me like this for a purpose.

Looking back, when Joell was telling me to be careful in the way that I love and to be less naive about things of friendships, the thought that was running through my head was that I would do it the same way. That the next time, I would still love the same and make the same mistakes. In our discipleship, I told Kristy that I cannot say that I do not regret anything that has happened. In fact earlier today, I thought "If Pradeepan didn't do this things would be okay. Why did this happen?" But now after writing, I really do not regret anything that has happened. Throughout this, I have found myself. Yes I will ask the Lord for discernment on friendships and life, but I am confident in the way that God has made me to love.

I will keep loving through the suffering because this is Your will for me.

battles

One of my gifts is discernment. In the beginning of this semester, I could tell when it was an attack from the enemy. I took this gift for granted. In the past month or so, God (or the enemy, I can't really tell anymore - maybe it's the enemy making me think I don't have these gifts anymore) has taken away my gifts of discernment, favor with people, and encouragement. My favor with people, that pertains to my identity in Christ. My encouragement, that pertains to my use for Him or my willingness for God to use me. God has been breaking those chains and freeing me from them.

But discernment is such a different story. Without discernment, I don't know what is right or wrong anymore. I don't know which way is God's way and which way is my way. But most importantly and dangerously, without discernment I become angry at Him easily. Why? Because I begin to think that every bad thing that comes my way is from Him, and that He is doing this on purpose. Without discernment, I fail to realize his faithfulness. Without discernment, I fail to realize that He has always been here holding my feet up so I don't fall. 

It's so frustrating, and just now I have realized that the enemy has been attacking me all along. I have been believing lies, that my friends don't care about me and that they don't love me. And through that, I have begun to felt as if God doesn't care or love me either, even though I have not realized this until now. 

I didn't have breakthrough in this area for a month. I just received breakthrough today. Yesterday was horrible, but now I realize that it was all the enemy. From believing that Hannah was upset with me, to believe that Ashley and Pradeepan and even Shannon didn't care about me, I realize that it was all the enemy. And even now there's this small voice in my head that says "Well what if you're right? they don't care about you? What if you've been gone so long that they've forgotten about you?" I don't know the right answer, whether they really do care or not. But something I've said to others before is to give them the benefit of doubt, for we are not called to receive love but to give it. A month ago, I thought it was impossible to love without expecting a return in love back. But now I see that with God it is possible.

A month, that is how long this has been going on. First I feel shame, but I feel redemption as well, for You have not left me. It's ridiculous, the lies that I have believed in. For a month, I have not felt useful to God. I thought that I haven't been doing anything to advance His kingdom. But I have, even though I do not know to full extent what I have done, I have to cling onto that truth that I have done something for Him. I have fought the battle and I have won. This has really been the turning point. No matter how useless I feel, how little I have shared about his faithfulness or how little I have prayed for others, I have fought a battle and I, or more importantly He has won it. A battle won is a victory for His kingdom.

The enemy has attacked my spiritual gifts and my friendships. Both of these are some of my greatest strengths. That reveals to me that the enemy is trying to cripple my strengths because he knows that God has big plans for me. And I am even more encouraged in that. 

I will say this again because I know I will need it in the future - a battle won, no matter how small or how big the battle is, is a victory for His kingdom

Random

I've always wondered why people say it's bad to listen to secular music. I never really understood why, because I get that the lyrics are sometimes bad but just because I don't indulge in any of that stuff it's okay right? But recently I've definitely realized the power of secular music. Even if it's not about bad things and it's just about love and feelings and unicorns it still brings to the surface the desires of my flesh that long for that. It's crazy just how much music has power, like now listening to Misty Edwards I feel calmer and more peaceful. It's a lot of different things but I recognize that to be a follower of Christ everything you do must reflect Him.

Seasons

A child trusts in her daddy. That fact shows me how far away I am from the child-like faith mindset.

Last night, I asked if I could lead a song for large group. After I practiced with the team, so many opposing thoughts ran through my mind: Hungry is more unfamiliar to me than Climb is. This time I didn't feel this urging from God, I just acted on my own since Kimbo is not singing this week and I also helped picked songs. And above all, how could I lead people to a place that I have not been in a while? My emotions have been off lately, and I haven't been feeling anything but bitterness and sadness.

Right after worship practice, I had small group. I was so jealous and envious when I was listening to one of my girls talk about the Lord. She is going through relationship issues and her brother had to go to the ER but she had so much peace and so much faith in God. One thing she said stuck out to me "I really just wanted to rush back home and sit with God." For me, I haven't spent time with God at all the past three weeks. Sure, I've sang to Him and led small groups for Him but I have not been alone with Him.

I told my small group I was envious, and I shared about what I was going through. But Jeanette told me that there's a reason that I'm in this season and I shouldn't be jealous. Each season in nature has a purpose - spring for blooming, summer for fruitfulness, fall for harvesting, and winter for death and rebirth (I am kind of making these up haha). And likewise, the seasons in our faith each have a purpose. The season I am in right now is solidifying me, making me appreciate each season.

Also in small group, I got the image of playground swings and slides. The swing wasn't the big swing, it was the little toddler swing. I feel as if God is asking Him to trust Him. In the whole singing thing, trust that He will deliver me even if it's not something He's outright asking of me. In this mess right now, trusting that He is doing something inside of me even though I don't feel it.

It brought me back to the word Maggie had for me in small group. Yes I am in the fire, but it's only solidifying me. Trust that He is working inside

Homeless

It's funny. I feel homeless in almost every possible sense that I can think of. Homeless physically, because to me a home is a safe haven where I can rest. My dorm room is usually a physical manifestation of how I am feeling on the inside, and right now it's probably the most disgusting it's been. Homeless because I have slept in another room for the past 4 out of 5 days.
Homeless relationship wise because I feel as if I have no core "group" to run to when something happens, or to hang out just because we like each other. I have Shannon, Jeanette and Hannah, and maybe a few others but that is it for me, which is such a far cry from a semester ago.
Homeless emotionally in a sense that right now I can't identify how I am feeling. Right now I feel like I'm floating, but not necessarily in a good way. I just feel as if all the strings holding me down have been cut back, but now I'm just wandering without a purpose. Don't really know I feel about that, because I can't really even feel right now.

But I have neglected the spiritual aspect. I am never homeless, in God I will always have a home. In God I will always have my hideaway, my safe place, my resting spot. In God I will not have to worry about anything else. I have become so focused on looking and sounding "mature" and "holy" that that has become my main focus, and not God. Sometimes I only lift my hands up if other people have, or I only jump if others have jumped already too. Why am I so afraid to take the first step for Him? If He really is my home,  I don't have anything to worry about. He will protect and shield me and love me in the best possible way. Why am I so afraid in my home? So worried about how He thinks of me and of the sins I have committed?
No, I am finding my home in God. I have to keep reminding myself of that, to speak truth, which is such an important weapon that God has equipped me with recently.

Left behind

I thought God had place me here for a reason, but I found myself doubting and questioning that more and more. Mainly because God took away the community that I have had for the past few months. Our desires and our focus because really different and now it doesn't even feel like we're walking the same race anymore (which is dumb, because ultimately there's only one race that we all walk). I asked God if he had really placed me here, or if it was just my imagination. But every time I question that, he reminds me why he has placed me here. Disclaimer: I don't know where "here" is yet.

I started doubting that I was really following God, because I thought to follow God I had to have a heart for the nations and to go overseas and do missions. But that itself isn't everything, I've been acting as if wanting to  go overseas and do missions and healing people and having gifts of the Spirit makes people more mature or spiritual than other people, but God humbled me by putting me in that position. I started to question if I didn't have any of those things, am I truly following Christ? But everything that He did pointed me back to the heart. What is the gift of healing if I can't use it for love? Same for wanting to go overseas.

This week was hard, not just cause of community but because Rez week was over. It was hard because I lost the passion to go out in the name of love, and not in the name of myself. But it pointed me all back to the heart, where was my heart in all of this?

Something that I have always preached is that "It doesn't matter how good you are at ______, as long as you have a heart for it God can use you" but I have completely forgotten that truth. I have made the gifts and the works bigger than the Giver. A big testimony to this is leading one song at Epic Large group - I struggled with it so much the days before because I am not a good singer. But I felt as if God was calling me to explore this calling into music. I obeyed in the end, and I knew he was pleased. I had so much peace after. It really is all about the heart.

There's a difference between mourning and wallowing. Mourning is mourning the loss of something. Wallowing is self-pitying myself. And I was hard-core wallowing this whole week. When Shannon asked me to say one good thing about what God has been doing in my life, I couldn't come up with anything. But Thursday, He gave me the resolve to fight this self-pity phase. In the shower, He revealed to me why he removed community from me. It's because I have been too prideful about the communities that I have had. I have been losing favor with people lately, which has been hurting me because that has been one of God's most obvious gifts to me. But even then He showed me that He was sovereign, that He would give me community (whatever that looks like) and favor with people back on His own terms. And man, I really learned to just sit with Him. When people say "sit in His presence" I would be like "...okay. but i feel kind of stupid". I always felt as if I had to do something, but when Hannah was playing just 30 seconds of a song, I could feel that God wanted me to sit with him. So I just dropped every worry and just sat, and it was probably one of the sweetest 30 seconds I've had in a while.

When I ate with Ashley, she gave me this passage. I've read it before, but the Lord gave me a new understanding of this.

³⁸ As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Marthaopened her home to him. ³⁹ She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. ⁴⁰ But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

⁴¹ “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, ⁴² but few things are needed—or indeed only one.^[a] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Luke 10: 38-42

This blog post is really for myself today, to remember where I have been with the Lord this week because it was such a jumbled and messy week in the beginning. I have cried more this week than the past 6 months combined. But God gave me back my resolve to fight with Him. He is definitely too good to me

Climb

I lean not on my own understanding
My life is in the hands of the Maker of heaven

I give it all to You God trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me

There's nothing I hold on to
There's nothing I hold on to
There's nothing I hold on to
There's nothing I hold on to

I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open
I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open

Thank you for giving me back my will to fight for You. I will not go down, I will only go up from here.

Jerusalem

When PJ gave the sermon last Sunday about Jerusalem, I thought that my Jerusalem was the thought of leaving and dedicating my life to missions. That has been brought up over and over again, through conversations with James, Pradeepan, and Shannon or the books that I have been reading or the stories that I have been hearing. But I didn't realize that right now I am in my Jerusalem.

It hit me when Shannon asked me today to think of the good things that the Lord has been doing in my life, and the few single good things I thought of all turned into bad things. I have lost community. I have three tests this week and I don't know how to balance school and people and God anymore. I have not been spending time in His presence at all, not even 5 mere minutes in the morning. I have lost my resolve to run. I have lost the passion that I've had for praying for healing, the passion that was so obvious at Rez week. I have forgotten why I am in core team, why I am in the position I am in now. I have lost patience with my parents. I feel as if my friends are slipping away, that I have no control over my friendships anymore. I have lost a friendship that I have been trying so hard to salvage. I am in stuck between 4 different people, in a situation I have no control over. I am complaining so much it is ridiculous.

But this is what Satan wants, and I will not give him this satisfaction. I will still turn to God in this time of no control. I am again reminded of the man struggling in the water, that man that tried to get out on his own terms. God, remind me that your timing is perfect and that you will lift me up in your right hand. Remind me that it's not about my works but it's about my heart. Remind me that suffering and joy go hand in hand; the more I suffer and lose everything, the more that I have you.

Yes I feel as if my world is slipping. But the things that were dear to me, friends, the American Dream, merits, jobs, even spiritual works, are nothing compared to you.

If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even their own life--such a person cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26

Victory

If God appeared in front of me right now and asked me "Emily, I died for you and you did what?", could I be honest? Could I own up to my mistakes? Could I confidently say "and I followed you just as you told me to."

No I can't. Jesus died for me but I am sinning. I am judging, I am angry, I am hurt and confused. I want love from those other than Jesus. These are all things that Jesus did not want to see after he died for us. I struggled with love so many times. I didn't believe that He truly loved me. What is love to me? I see it as something good, but that is contained by a bunch of rules and conditions. I rarely see his unconditional love here, among my brothers and sisters because each one of us is a sinner. That is something big I have been forgetting. Why am I putting the leaders of TCA on a pedestal? Or the people that seem very "Spirit-filled", which I don't even know what that means, because that doesn't mean anything at all. We are all sinners. I shouldn't glorify another sinner.

Man He is too good to me. The healing that I have seen this week has been incredible. The reminders that He loves me have been too much. When Joanne said that she saw I was so well protected by God, that was the start to part of my wreckage (I mean this in a good way). And on Friday, wow when I was brushing my hair and getting ready to leave to go to class, I had this notion that God was brushing my hair. Silly right? But when you put into perspective as a Father brushing his little daughter's hair, it's not silly at all. God loves me, so much that He treasures these little moments more than I will ever know. I never cry at anything emotional or heart-related, but I have never ever been in a moment where it was so easy for me to tear up all the sudden. It is so good to be a child.

And then Passion just continued the wreckage. I have never seen it before, but just seeing his unwavering resolve that he HAD to die for us became too much. I will never be able to know the full extent of the love He has for me and that in itself hurts also.

On Saturday, I was reminded of the sin that I had been walking in. It kind of felt as if my eyes had become so accustomed to the dark that for a while I felt as if the dark was the light. But I had my eyes open and I realized that I had been walking in so much sin. I am a sinner. Yes I am a daughter of a King and His beloved but I am also a sinner. If I forget that then what is the meaning of the Gospel to me?

Normally I would realize that and I would be driven to an even lower place, just with the realization that I am a sinner. But God has been building everything up to that point, where I realize that my sins are why He has died. He is a good daddy, he does not want us to be driven to shame and guilt when we realize what He has done for us. I am a sinner and I am broken, but God let me experience a love so great that I didn't feel any guilt or shame for what I have done, am doing, and will do. Finally, God has given me victory through that.

Alma

You are too good to me. I want to see healing for my own selfish reasons, to believe for sure that you are the Messiah and that you can actually heal. Part of me wanted to see healing so that I would stop having doubts about Jesus. I wanted to heal somebody because that just seem to be what everyone else was doing.

You are too good. You have showed me that healing and love come together. The cry of my heart was to heal somebody out of love and not out of self. You gave me that today. When we healed her, you let us felt your love for Alma. Father, it was so deep and so big that I can't even fathom. You are too good because I don't deserve to even witness this. But you let me heal her Father. You are too good to me!

You have molded my heart into love Father. I forever praise you for that. Thank God for Maggie, who reminded me that I can ask God for a heart for love. That I can ask for change. 

Thank you for Alma, such a blessing both ways.

Father, the moment when she stood up and walked she cried. That did it Father. This is what we are living for. Your glory, your glory. 

Peace

This week is crazy. God is crazy. Long and incoherent post is soon too come hurhur.

Overarching thoughts for this week...
I have no community. Such a strange feeling, because it is the first time in college that I have not really been apart of any one community. I feel lonely, but I feel at peace. I knew that it was where God has placed me, because I feel so much peace. It's the kind of lonely where I only find satisfaction in Jesus. Things have been so good, God has been so good and has shown me so much even though I do not deserve any of it. But there has been a hunger and desire in my heart that nobody else can fill. So I know that only Jesus is supposed to fill that hole.

Lord my soul is hungry, weary, and tired. Please fill it up and don't stop until I learn to be satisfied only through you. That has been the cry of my heart all week. I feel the hurt and the anger and bitterness from the scars of community and brothers and sisters, but I know that you hear me through it all. I know that you will continue to heal me, to take me under your arm and shield me. I feel that and I know that. I have begun to see the depths of your love this week and I will not stop. Please let that be the cry of my heart.

my soul cries out
my soul cries out for you

these bones cry out
these dry bones cry for you
to live and move
only You
can raise the dead
lift my head up

Jesus, You’re the one who saves us
Constantly creates us into something new
Jesus You’re the one who finds us
Surely our Messiah will make all things new

Family

Man God has been working in my family like crazy. Back in winter break, God gave me a new heart for my family. I really turned a 180. But inside, I was always scared that God would take it away. That when I went back to home for spring break, things would be the way it was before winter break. I was scared that I would start treating my parents cruelly. And it happened for a little bit when I went home. I became impatient with them, and not appreciative of what they have done for me. Sure I said the words "Thanks for fill in the blank", but I didn't really mean it.

But that was just the enemy trying to fake me out. Things really have changed. I never really thought about how things were in my family in the past. I never really included it in my testimonies. But truth is, I hated my parents. I just saw them as people who gave birth to me, and nothing beyond that. I almost ran away, I hit my mom, and I have cussed them out before. My parents also went through a rough patch in high school and they considered divorce. In high school, every single they there was at least one fight, one hour where somebody was screaming at someone else. I have always neglected those memories. Why? I have not a slightest idea.

But wow, how things have changed. My mom and I eat lunch every time I come back from college, and every time it's a good conversation. I used to avoid eating with my parents, but now I can't get enough of spending time with them. My dad and my mom get along now, and my mom takes care of him so well. And probably one of the happiest news I heard this break: my mom is sponsoring a child through World Vision. Wow. My mom would never have done that, but God has been growing her so much lately. My mom searched for a girl who had the same birthday as me. Funny thing is that her name is the same as our dog's name...maybe it was meant to be haha. Our family definitely has been transformed by God's love, and we didn't even realize it until now.

Thank You so much for this family that I used to hate and despise. Thank you for transforming us through the Spirit. Wow the Spirit definitely is working....truth haha

Decisions, revelations yippee

I don't really know why I waited until the last day before I go back to Austin to write...I am so weird.

This is supposed to be on the "down-low" but I trust whoever reads this won't say anything haha...cause I already have told a few people.

2 weeks ago, I found out that I was being offered the core team position for small group. First thoughts: "what me? I am not worthy at all...there's Shannon, Ashley, and Hannah. why would they choose me?" "what the heck...now I have to figure out my life" "i don't even know how to lead small group, how can I lead small group leaders" and then a bunch of other thoughts like fear, anxiousness, and all that good stuff. But throughout all my fears, there was that one glimpse of pride and thought that I would be able to change things, to be able to change Epic for the better.

For a while, I thought that I would say yes. I thought that I would be able to handle it, and that I would be able to lead people. Sometimes it's so ridiculous how we think we are right, when there is really no right or wrong. There's God's way and my way and I take my way so many times. But before I left for home for SB, Emily spoke a lot of truth in my life. I thought I would say yes, but a lot of things about Epic, TCA, and the future were holding me back. I always thought it was a decision between Epic and TCA, but it is more about where He wants me to be. This year, I have not been fed in Epic a lot. But Emily reminded me that I am now serving Epic. Ultimately it is Him who feeds us and I shouldn't make Epic's purpose to feed me and grow me. Along those lines, I have been looking to my brothers and sisters for answers when really I should look to God. There's a fine line between pointing to God and just telling people what to do.

Then in the beginning of break, I was leaning towards a no. But being away from Texas, from campus was so nice and it allowed me to take a step back and just be with Him. In the past weeks, I was reminded of what Epic has done for me. And the love that I have towards its members. Yes Epic does not feed me anymore, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't have a heart for Epic. Being with Jocelyn and seeing how their ministry at Johns Hopkins is, I really wish the culture of Epic was a bit more simplistic. There's no questions of how to take care of people, or how to be feed, or how to get closer to your class. There were a lot less boundaries in their ministry; it's more about just loving people and growing them. If God does call me to do core, then I should trust entirely that I will be taken care of and not worry about the how.

Dude I love the stream of consciousness you have given me in the past few days, God. I love it hahaha it is so fun.

Showers are so fun. During the shower I took an hour ago, God reminded me that he works through me. That whatever I do isn't for me, it's for Him. I was so concerned and caught up with how I would do stuff as a core team member, and worried about how others perceive me that I totally forgot that it's about God. I'm trying to fit God into a box, into what I envision core team to be when really I should just listen to his voice and wait on His instruction. And for my insecurities, God reminded me of how much I have changed. Would I be here today if it wasn't for Him? Obviously not. Obviouslyyyy nott. My love for my family has changed, my love for my friends has changed, what I see as important has changed and is still changing. I don't even know if I will say yes but this past week has been so good. Thank you for always knowing what I need, and for giving me the things I need to continue along your path.

Fast - 3/6/13

3/6/13
I never know what to fast for. I always end up fasting for breakthrough, but not really satisfied because it doesn't really feel right. I've been asking Him to show me what to fast for, and I got it today. This morning, He told me to fast for Him and me. You and me. The intimacy that has been lost, but that I have been yearning for the past few weeks.

Part of what was so intimate last year was that I saw the Lord everywhere. Not only in my prayers, in my worship, in the times I spent reading His word, but I saw him when I walked to class, when I was in class. Literally it was possible to see Him everywhere. I realized that that is part of what is missing this semester. I don't want to try to regain the exact intimacy I had with him last semester, but I want an even deeper level of intimacy. I seriously feel like the seed that grows and is choked by the thorns. I've been so preoccupied with my appearance, with my weight, with my grades, with how other people perceive me to be, with my phone and Facebook that I feel as if so many things are in the way of me and Him now. I now see the mess, but I have no idea where to start. Right now, I'm not only fasting from food but from media. I feel as if this is what the Lord wants of me today.

I hate tears. I don't even know why I'm crying. Frustration that I feel so alone? that I don't feel the excitement, the compassion I get when talking to people? Frustration that everyone sees me as broken, as something that needs fixing. I think part of why I have felt what I've been feeling frustrated, angry, and confused is that I've been feeling so small lately. To be honest, I'm not used to being small. But remember, I'm fasting for You and me. I must become small for Him to become big. Lord I rest fully on your strength.
Everyone is moving forward and I am drowning, but I need to recognize that only He can help me. I need to rely on his timing, and on faith that He will rescue me, no matter how long it takes.
I feel as if He wants me to rediscover his heart, to rediscover mine and why I fell in love with Him. Why I fight for the things I do.

3/7/13
I'm so glad I wrote all my feelings down yesterday, or I would have forgotten for sure.
Yesterday's fast was amazing...Thank you Lord. It was so good in that I learned that it's okay to not be okay. Last week I was full from the afternoon worship, but today I was full from You. After large group, I felt completely full. I would have been fine if I didn't eat after, but I love food so I ate anyways. Thank You for giving me yesterday

When PJ told the story about the man who struggled in the water, I was like "that's me". I always want to make things right when they are wrong. Whenever someone is mad at me, I have the impulse to say "sorry" and make it right again. I have never just sat in my struggles and in my suffering. God allowed me to do that with Hannah yesterday and again today. I recognize that I can't get out of this by myself anymore. The only thing that I have to turn to is Him. It's so surreal (weird) to bask in my sufferings. It sucks but at the same time it feels right. One of the things that has stuck with me the past few days is that the last will be first, the poor will be given the kingdom of Heaven.
If I need to be brought to the lowest place possible, I'll do it all for You.

randoms

Another taste of real community - when you have the freedom to share your burdens with others, without the fear of burdening them because you know that they care for you with a love that is so strong that they want to take on your burdens

I have experienced this so much in the past few days, thank You so much for this. I just realized that you have the ability to take over all of my burdens. I am so amazed by the fact that my brothers and sisters can share my burden, but you can and you want to carry all of my burdens. Thank You for that

calling

For the past 20 years, I have had this notion that I would get a degree, meet someone, get a job, get married, raise a family, and serve God in whatever way that would look like in my life. I realized that I have this preconceived picture in my head on how my life is supposed to look like, and I'm trying to fit God into that. But problem is that God doesn't work like that. We don't pick the easiest path in our life and try to fit God into that image. We have to seek out the life that God wants us to live and follow that path no matter how hard it is.
I always thought that I wasn't called to missions. I can't survive on my own, I'm super dependent, super shy, super timid, not a good speaker, etc... I know that God uses the poor, the small, and the weak and I know that He can use me. But for the past years, I've rationalized that God doesn't want me on the mission field for those reasons. But now I feel as if He might even be calling me to it. I don't even know how or why or when this happened but whenever I hear of missions in general, there's a stirring/longing in my heart. I can't put my finger on exactly what it is, but I know it's there.
And I am super scared. I hear of all of these people who know that they are called to mission, who have some kind of plan set out. But for me, I have never thought about it and I don't even know where to begin to look into it. I need to search my heart; I know that He is at least calling me to do that - to search my heart and His heart to see if missions is where He wants me to be.
So many conflicting emotions. I do want this "safe" life that I have planned out for myself. But at the same time, I have been exposed little by little to the brokenness of the world. On my birthday, I thought of the many children throughout the world, and how they do not get thrown birthday celebrations by their loved ones. It hurts that there are children who don't know that they are loved, that they have a Maker who loves them so much.
Hopefully this summer at South East Asia, my calling might be a little clearer. But I'm not banking on that. I will seek out God's plan and open my ears to Him. It's even scary for me to write this, because I am actually acknowledging these feelings that I have been hiding.



**** I FINALLY WROTE A BLOG POST AFTER LIKE WRITING 10 DRAFTS AND DELETING THEM THANK YOU JESUS

Love letters from God

Ever since the beginning of this semester, every Wednesday has been the worst day of each week. The fast this week made me so physically tired and weak. I felt such strong temptations during large group to break my fast; I couldn't even stand up without leaning on the desks behind me or holding the chairs in front of me. And to add to that, the enemy has been attacking us lately - Pradeepan, Shannon, and I. The enemy basically moved between the three of us; I literally forgot almost every encouraging thing I wanted to share with people that day. And to top it off, the peace that I have had about being single, even possibly for the rest of my life, is gone. Like Lord I want to yearn for you, but even that passion has dwindled a little. The idea of a boyfriend and even a husband has been on my mind so much lately. Just the fact that I don't have the peace anymore really disturbs and distracts me.

Obviously the next day after Wednesday is Thursday, Valentine's day. I have never spent Valentine's day with somebody else. It's ridiculous how many insecurities I have in the guy department. Every Valentine's day has been defined by me looking through what everybody else is doing for Valentine's day and me wanting what they have. 

But the Lord had different plans for me for this Valentine's day. I started my day off with love, and not the superficial kind of love but the 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love. I harbor a lot of small, bitter feelings towards my roommate, and there are some grey areas in our relationship. But when I woke up that day, right next to my pillow was a bag of candy and note from her, about how I have been a blessing to her life. The fact that she kept no record of my wrongdoings, that really was... wow. 

Later after my classes, I went to go volunteer at a temporary foster home. On the ride there, the Lord gave me such GOOD revelation. I've been asking why he removed that peace from me, that peace of singleness. And why did he replace it with this desire of my flesh again? He told me, revealed to me that if some guy showed up in my life right now, I would have dropped everything that I had with Him to pursue some guy. I would have twisted God's will so that it became my will. He wants me to always have His will over mine. And no that doesn't mean that I am called to wait on someone, but that I am forever called to wait FOR Him. Ahhhh so good. I love and marvel the ways that God protects my heart.

The night ended with love, with a true community. A few of us spent the last few hours of valentine's together, praying over each other, sharing the word we got for each other, and encouraging each other. No matter how our day went, God brought us there together to be fed and to be loved as He had, has, and always will love us. 

Thank you Jesus, thank you for your unfailing love, thanking for translating into something tangible on a day that I often spent focusing on the things I lack in life. Thank you for your sweet, love letters.

Provisions

After small group yesterday, I felt such a heaviness in my heart but yet I didn't understand it. I can't even describe, but it made me not want to worship. I usually love worship. This happened right after I suggested to my small group that we should fast for Lent for something, and keep each other accountable for it. I was so confused as to why this was happening. And why exactly did it happen at that time... but Shannon encouraged me to ask the Lord about it. I was showering at like 1 AM (weird how I realize so many things in the shower), and it hit me that I have prayed for my girls to have a deeper connection with each other.

Fasting is something that can go beyond us just sharing about our bad test and our bad time management. I realize that the heaviness was probably n attack from the enemy, to discourage me from possibly something great from happening. Fasting could help us dive deeper into the great mystery that is God.

It's crazy to see how God provides for prayers to happen and how he answers them. Ahhhhhhhhh I love you God.

New

Last Wednesday shook me. I have always known that I struggle with approval as an idol. But during my discipleship with Emily, I realized that I find my worth and value in both the "good" and the "bad" things I do. During IM sport seasons, the feeling of worthlessness always intensifies. As a leader, I always feel as if the mistakes I commit impact the whole thing. Thought process:If small group goes bad, it's all my fault. If we lose a game, it's all my fault. I've known that I struggle with something, but I finally realized what it is. Knowing and realizing are two different things.

Last Friday at TCA during worship, I had this idea of being "new" in my head. While I still was and am struggling with the realization of worth and value, it did feel as if a few rows of chains have been lifted off of my back. But I was scared. I can't explain this "new"-ness I was feeling, but I seriously felt as if I was a different person. I didn't understand it then. It was so weird because I felt as if I saw people in a different light, and I put myself in a different light too.

Coming into TCA small groups, I guess I had the expectation that I would come out of it with tears on my face every night. That didn't happen, but I did get something out of it. I used to feel exasperated when the Lord would teach me things that he taught me before. I wasn't exasperated at Him, but I was at myself. Why couldn't I get it right? I felt like the Lord felt as if it was a burden to teach me. But listening to Pam, I realized that it's a joy to realize something new each time, even if it's the same lesson.

I didn't realize this "new" me-ish thing until Sunday night when we were at Halcyon celebrating Hannah's birthday. Because of my insecurities, I always felt as if I had to say something "helpful" or "wise", but there was so much less pressure that night. I also felt pressured to be "funny", to be the one that makes everybody laugh but there was less pressure in that also. And if I didn't succeed in those things, it didn't have a strong hold over me either. NEW. I was so afraid of being new. Everything I had known was a lie, but I didn't know how to live in the truth. But it is so freeing. Thank you Jesus

Anthology

Last year's anthology and this year's fall retreat left me wondering why I went, whether I had learned anything at all. Coming into this year's anthology, I was excited but I did not want to expect anything in fear of being let down. I did expect though, I expected anthology to have really powerful speakers that could maybe speak truth in my life.

This year's anthology exceeded every expectation I had. It's too dense and my thoughts are scattered so...time to process.

Vulnerability

Kimberly Cassanova led this year's women's time. One thing she said that spoke to me was that the enemy wants to make us feel as if we are the only one. Women's time led me and the other sisters in my year to share about our past and to share about topics that are usually "taboo" among girls, such as fantasizing or porn or masturbation. People assume that guys are the only ones that struggle with this, but girls are equally prone to fall into this temptation as well. It was so FREEING to be able to confess our sins and to be able to encourage and love our sisters on a deeper level. It felt like a true community, and our only intention was to love others and love God through this deeply intimate time. 

Outreach

The basis of every foundation has to be love. This is something I realized recently, when I noticed that it almost became a chore to be around my non Christian friends. I didn't know who my friends were anymore, what they liked and didn't like, how their personalities were and what made them explode at any second. I have been asking, praying, begging God for opportunities to show them His love and to love them with my heart as well. The Facebook outreach was definitely something different and something nobody really does on Facebook. But God did call us to be uncomfortable, and he called us to walk on the path that is less traveled. In the instructions sheet, it asked us to text our friends and ask if they had any prayer requests. Two of the four friends responded back asking if THEY could pray for ME. I feel as if it was a reminder that when we give up and lose hope, God never gives up. Matthew 9:37 - that passage never said that the harvest was impossible. And everything is possible for God.

Affirmation 

The last night of anthology. Somebody was sharing, all the people around me were crying. Before anthology I have been feeling insecure about my worth and about my ability to lead others, especially in small group. The fact that I wasn't crying was the last straw. A slew of questions popped up in my head: "Why am I not crying? Am I not feeling anything? Is God not convicting me? Does He not care about me enough to affirm me or help me feel something?"..etc. While struggling with these thoughts, we were asked to line up for the confession board. In the line, I saw Pradeepan standing 10 feet in front of me and I had the urge to pray for Him. I looked around and nobody else was praying. What would I even pray for? After 2 minutes of deciding whether or not I should obey this gut feeling which is probably the Holy Spirit and go pray for Pradeepan, I decided to take a step in my faith and pray for Him. It turns out that Pradeepan had been praying to the Lord for somebody to pray for Him. Personally, that in itself is affirmation for me. It was God saying that I am strong enough to love others and not just to accept receive love. And that if I love others, I will still receive an infinite amount of love for Him and that He never will leave me. Crazy..

Prayer

Another thing that happened on the last night. After I prayed for Pradeepan, God set it on our hearts to pray for two of our brothers. I have struggled with prayer, being comfortable in openly talking to God and not feeling ashamed that my prayer is not "good enough". I have also struggled with wanting to pray; I have not seen a "use" for it many times. But that night God started to heal  and place prayer in my heart. 

I think through anthology I definitely rediscovered a core theme of the Gospel and a sure foundation of my faith. I was able to experience love and realness (vulnerability, transparency, pure and true devotion for God). In fact, as I am writing and re-processing this, I realized that I have not been real in my faith and real to others. I try to give advice that makes me sound mature, that I think will help them but the only thing I am called to do is love them with God's love. I don't need to earn my friend's love, whatever I say they will accept me because I have already let them see my real self before. I don't know if I'm making sense but YEAH God is cool.

Randoms

Something I realized yesterday is that the Bible is written so long ago..2000 years? Or maybe even more? And the things that are written still apply to us today, all the teachings and parables. Yes there are other books about fables, virtues, and parables but the Bible probably contains every problem and every instruction that we come across. That's a true testament of God's perfect plan to me.

Shame is not an emotion that God wants us to feel. It is one of the hardest emotions for me to deal with, especially if I feel like I have failed or wronged a friend or messed up something. It is hard to not give into it, even after a year of realizing that I shouldn't give in to it. I have this fear now that I will never conquer this.

I am not looking forward to going back. I feel like I have gone forward in my walk, but after seeing everybody's passion for God I feel like I have gone backward. I know I shouldn't base my walk with God off on other's walk with God but it's just too tempting. Same with the shame and guilt thing.

Shame and guilt is weighing down a lot on my heart at the moment.. I feel like I know these things, that I know I shouldn't feel like this and that God is never ashamed of me. I know that but I feel like I'm stuck in a very strong bubble. I'm at the edge and I'm trying to pop the bubble but I can't. I need breakthrough