Alma

You are too good to me. I want to see healing for my own selfish reasons, to believe for sure that you are the Messiah and that you can actually heal. Part of me wanted to see healing so that I would stop having doubts about Jesus. I wanted to heal somebody because that just seem to be what everyone else was doing.

You are too good. You have showed me that healing and love come together. The cry of my heart was to heal somebody out of love and not out of self. You gave me that today. When we healed her, you let us felt your love for Alma. Father, it was so deep and so big that I can't even fathom. You are too good because I don't deserve to even witness this. But you let me heal her Father. You are too good to me!

You have molded my heart into love Father. I forever praise you for that. Thank God for Maggie, who reminded me that I can ask God for a heart for love. That I can ask for change. 

Thank you for Alma, such a blessing both ways.

Father, the moment when she stood up and walked she cried. That did it Father. This is what we are living for. Your glory, your glory. 

Peace

This week is crazy. God is crazy. Long and incoherent post is soon too come hurhur.

Overarching thoughts for this week...
I have no community. Such a strange feeling, because it is the first time in college that I have not really been apart of any one community. I feel lonely, but I feel at peace. I knew that it was where God has placed me, because I feel so much peace. It's the kind of lonely where I only find satisfaction in Jesus. Things have been so good, God has been so good and has shown me so much even though I do not deserve any of it. But there has been a hunger and desire in my heart that nobody else can fill. So I know that only Jesus is supposed to fill that hole.

Lord my soul is hungry, weary, and tired. Please fill it up and don't stop until I learn to be satisfied only through you. That has been the cry of my heart all week. I feel the hurt and the anger and bitterness from the scars of community and brothers and sisters, but I know that you hear me through it all. I know that you will continue to heal me, to take me under your arm and shield me. I feel that and I know that. I have begun to see the depths of your love this week and I will not stop. Please let that be the cry of my heart.

my soul cries out
my soul cries out for you

these bones cry out
these dry bones cry for you
to live and move
only You
can raise the dead
lift my head up

Jesus, You’re the one who saves us
Constantly creates us into something new
Jesus You’re the one who finds us
Surely our Messiah will make all things new

Family

Man God has been working in my family like crazy. Back in winter break, God gave me a new heart for my family. I really turned a 180. But inside, I was always scared that God would take it away. That when I went back to home for spring break, things would be the way it was before winter break. I was scared that I would start treating my parents cruelly. And it happened for a little bit when I went home. I became impatient with them, and not appreciative of what they have done for me. Sure I said the words "Thanks for fill in the blank", but I didn't really mean it.

But that was just the enemy trying to fake me out. Things really have changed. I never really thought about how things were in my family in the past. I never really included it in my testimonies. But truth is, I hated my parents. I just saw them as people who gave birth to me, and nothing beyond that. I almost ran away, I hit my mom, and I have cussed them out before. My parents also went through a rough patch in high school and they considered divorce. In high school, every single they there was at least one fight, one hour where somebody was screaming at someone else. I have always neglected those memories. Why? I have not a slightest idea.

But wow, how things have changed. My mom and I eat lunch every time I come back from college, and every time it's a good conversation. I used to avoid eating with my parents, but now I can't get enough of spending time with them. My dad and my mom get along now, and my mom takes care of him so well. And probably one of the happiest news I heard this break: my mom is sponsoring a child through World Vision. Wow. My mom would never have done that, but God has been growing her so much lately. My mom searched for a girl who had the same birthday as me. Funny thing is that her name is the same as our dog's name...maybe it was meant to be haha. Our family definitely has been transformed by God's love, and we didn't even realize it until now.

Thank You so much for this family that I used to hate and despise. Thank you for transforming us through the Spirit. Wow the Spirit definitely is working....truth haha

Decisions, revelations yippee

I don't really know why I waited until the last day before I go back to Austin to write...I am so weird.

This is supposed to be on the "down-low" but I trust whoever reads this won't say anything haha...cause I already have told a few people.

2 weeks ago, I found out that I was being offered the core team position for small group. First thoughts: "what me? I am not worthy at all...there's Shannon, Ashley, and Hannah. why would they choose me?" "what the heck...now I have to figure out my life" "i don't even know how to lead small group, how can I lead small group leaders" and then a bunch of other thoughts like fear, anxiousness, and all that good stuff. But throughout all my fears, there was that one glimpse of pride and thought that I would be able to change things, to be able to change Epic for the better.

For a while, I thought that I would say yes. I thought that I would be able to handle it, and that I would be able to lead people. Sometimes it's so ridiculous how we think we are right, when there is really no right or wrong. There's God's way and my way and I take my way so many times. But before I left for home for SB, Emily spoke a lot of truth in my life. I thought I would say yes, but a lot of things about Epic, TCA, and the future were holding me back. I always thought it was a decision between Epic and TCA, but it is more about where He wants me to be. This year, I have not been fed in Epic a lot. But Emily reminded me that I am now serving Epic. Ultimately it is Him who feeds us and I shouldn't make Epic's purpose to feed me and grow me. Along those lines, I have been looking to my brothers and sisters for answers when really I should look to God. There's a fine line between pointing to God and just telling people what to do.

Then in the beginning of break, I was leaning towards a no. But being away from Texas, from campus was so nice and it allowed me to take a step back and just be with Him. In the past weeks, I was reminded of what Epic has done for me. And the love that I have towards its members. Yes Epic does not feed me anymore, but I would be lying if I said that I didn't have a heart for Epic. Being with Jocelyn and seeing how their ministry at Johns Hopkins is, I really wish the culture of Epic was a bit more simplistic. There's no questions of how to take care of people, or how to be feed, or how to get closer to your class. There were a lot less boundaries in their ministry; it's more about just loving people and growing them. If God does call me to do core, then I should trust entirely that I will be taken care of and not worry about the how.

Dude I love the stream of consciousness you have given me in the past few days, God. I love it hahaha it is so fun.

Showers are so fun. During the shower I took an hour ago, God reminded me that he works through me. That whatever I do isn't for me, it's for Him. I was so concerned and caught up with how I would do stuff as a core team member, and worried about how others perceive me that I totally forgot that it's about God. I'm trying to fit God into a box, into what I envision core team to be when really I should just listen to his voice and wait on His instruction. And for my insecurities, God reminded me of how much I have changed. Would I be here today if it wasn't for Him? Obviously not. Obviouslyyyy nott. My love for my family has changed, my love for my friends has changed, what I see as important has changed and is still changing. I don't even know if I will say yes but this past week has been so good. Thank you for always knowing what I need, and for giving me the things I need to continue along your path.

Fast - 3/6/13

3/6/13
I never know what to fast for. I always end up fasting for breakthrough, but not really satisfied because it doesn't really feel right. I've been asking Him to show me what to fast for, and I got it today. This morning, He told me to fast for Him and me. You and me. The intimacy that has been lost, but that I have been yearning for the past few weeks.

Part of what was so intimate last year was that I saw the Lord everywhere. Not only in my prayers, in my worship, in the times I spent reading His word, but I saw him when I walked to class, when I was in class. Literally it was possible to see Him everywhere. I realized that that is part of what is missing this semester. I don't want to try to regain the exact intimacy I had with him last semester, but I want an even deeper level of intimacy. I seriously feel like the seed that grows and is choked by the thorns. I've been so preoccupied with my appearance, with my weight, with my grades, with how other people perceive me to be, with my phone and Facebook that I feel as if so many things are in the way of me and Him now. I now see the mess, but I have no idea where to start. Right now, I'm not only fasting from food but from media. I feel as if this is what the Lord wants of me today.

I hate tears. I don't even know why I'm crying. Frustration that I feel so alone? that I don't feel the excitement, the compassion I get when talking to people? Frustration that everyone sees me as broken, as something that needs fixing. I think part of why I have felt what I've been feeling frustrated, angry, and confused is that I've been feeling so small lately. To be honest, I'm not used to being small. But remember, I'm fasting for You and me. I must become small for Him to become big. Lord I rest fully on your strength.
Everyone is moving forward and I am drowning, but I need to recognize that only He can help me. I need to rely on his timing, and on faith that He will rescue me, no matter how long it takes.
I feel as if He wants me to rediscover his heart, to rediscover mine and why I fell in love with Him. Why I fight for the things I do.

3/7/13
I'm so glad I wrote all my feelings down yesterday, or I would have forgotten for sure.
Yesterday's fast was amazing...Thank you Lord. It was so good in that I learned that it's okay to not be okay. Last week I was full from the afternoon worship, but today I was full from You. After large group, I felt completely full. I would have been fine if I didn't eat after, but I love food so I ate anyways. Thank You for giving me yesterday

When PJ told the story about the man who struggled in the water, I was like "that's me". I always want to make things right when they are wrong. Whenever someone is mad at me, I have the impulse to say "sorry" and make it right again. I have never just sat in my struggles and in my suffering. God allowed me to do that with Hannah yesterday and again today. I recognize that I can't get out of this by myself anymore. The only thing that I have to turn to is Him. It's so surreal (weird) to bask in my sufferings. It sucks but at the same time it feels right. One of the things that has stuck with me the past few days is that the last will be first, the poor will be given the kingdom of Heaven.
If I need to be brought to the lowest place possible, I'll do it all for You.

randoms

Another taste of real community - when you have the freedom to share your burdens with others, without the fear of burdening them because you know that they care for you with a love that is so strong that they want to take on your burdens

I have experienced this so much in the past few days, thank You so much for this. I just realized that you have the ability to take over all of my burdens. I am so amazed by the fact that my brothers and sisters can share my burden, but you can and you want to carry all of my burdens. Thank You for that

calling

For the past 20 years, I have had this notion that I would get a degree, meet someone, get a job, get married, raise a family, and serve God in whatever way that would look like in my life. I realized that I have this preconceived picture in my head on how my life is supposed to look like, and I'm trying to fit God into that. But problem is that God doesn't work like that. We don't pick the easiest path in our life and try to fit God into that image. We have to seek out the life that God wants us to live and follow that path no matter how hard it is.
I always thought that I wasn't called to missions. I can't survive on my own, I'm super dependent, super shy, super timid, not a good speaker, etc... I know that God uses the poor, the small, and the weak and I know that He can use me. But for the past years, I've rationalized that God doesn't want me on the mission field for those reasons. But now I feel as if He might even be calling me to it. I don't even know how or why or when this happened but whenever I hear of missions in general, there's a stirring/longing in my heart. I can't put my finger on exactly what it is, but I know it's there.
And I am super scared. I hear of all of these people who know that they are called to mission, who have some kind of plan set out. But for me, I have never thought about it and I don't even know where to begin to look into it. I need to search my heart; I know that He is at least calling me to do that - to search my heart and His heart to see if missions is where He wants me to be.
So many conflicting emotions. I do want this "safe" life that I have planned out for myself. But at the same time, I have been exposed little by little to the brokenness of the world. On my birthday, I thought of the many children throughout the world, and how they do not get thrown birthday celebrations by their loved ones. It hurts that there are children who don't know that they are loved, that they have a Maker who loves them so much.
Hopefully this summer at South East Asia, my calling might be a little clearer. But I'm not banking on that. I will seek out God's plan and open my ears to Him. It's even scary for me to write this, because I am actually acknowledging these feelings that I have been hiding.



**** I FINALLY WROTE A BLOG POST AFTER LIKE WRITING 10 DRAFTS AND DELETING THEM THANK YOU JESUS