Shannon Wey

Hi! I know that we have a mutual understanding of how deep our love and friendship goes, but writing poetry is something I've wanted to do for a long time. I've always failed and never finished my poetry, but I think God has finally given me something that I am passionate about to write on. Enjoy! (And sorry it's a little corny... I needed to be cheesy because I am very bad at rhyming. I also did not edit so I'm sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes.)

Shannon

The first time we met was at EKG,

I was shy and thought you were scary.

I didn’t really know you then,

And little did I know we would become good friends.

I didn’t see you much second semester of freshmen year,

Even though our rooms in Blanton were near.

You were struggling with community and things,

While I grew in God and began mingling.

Then came the fated summer of 2012,

And wow, how deep did our friendship begin to delve!

I remember how happy I was to see

That God placed you about 10 feet away from me!

We did not know each other,

But as the only two freshmen girls, we stuck together.

You were there for me through the curiosity and the crying,

And I was there for you through the breakup and the growing.

I remember the summer was when I said with a nod,

“Wow this girl really loves God.

Look at all the things she is willing to give up for Him!

I’m not willing to sacrifice everything, not even a limb.”

And since then, it’s been such a journey.

With you, I feel as joyful as someone who has just won a world tourney!

With every twist and turn,

Our passion for God and our love for each other continue to burn.

And so today is a very special day!

It is your 20^th birthday!

I don’t know what I am doing,

But I hope you will accept my love and appreciation for you, if anything.

And so happy birthday to a girl who is so loving!

Bold!

Caring!

And kind of old!

Happy birthday to a girl whose love for God knows no bounds,

And whose faith in Him continues to grow in mounds.

Happy birthday to a daughter who always runs back to her Dad,

And whose smile and laughter can chase away the mad and the sad.

Happy birthday to a best friend who shows me a patience that is rarely seen,

And who provides a hand to hold and shoulder ready to lean.

Happy birthday to a sister who trusts in the unseen,

And who shows me a love like that described in 1 Corinthians 13.

So I conclude with this,

That throughout this year, I pray you would know that you are His.

Thank you for the countless minutes, hours, days.

Happy 20^th Birthday to you, dear Shannon Wey.

The Why's

I had this whole long post on love and the things I am struggling/learning through love, but I scrapped all of it and decided to write this.

Why?

Why has God made me like this? Why am I the one to get hurt most of the time, the one that seems to care just a little bit more than the other person?
And to go "deeper"... Why am I the one that always makes the first move, the one that always reaches out or initiates first? Why do I seem to care more than others, the one seem to get hurt more than others? Why am I weak? Why can I not be strong?

A little background...
Everyday this week has been a battle for me. I wrote a blog post a few days ago about a long-going battle, but now everyday is a battle; the enemy is unrelenting. This week, every time that I am in my room, I have to fight the temptation of hiding in my room. I have been so unwilling to see people in general. But I have realized that in wallowing in my losses, my hurt, and my struggle, I have been severely failing God's second commandment - to love my neighbor as myself. I wouldn't say I love myself, but I definitely put my needs above others. That's what I've been doing all this time and I hate it. On top of everything, I feel lonely; I haven't been able to share with anybody the past week, but that's also mainly because right now I don't want help from anybody. In fact, I despise it and I don't know why.

Everything built up, and this afternoon Joell came back from lunch and asked me how I was doing. As I started with just the little thing that happened today, tears started flowing. I've cried so much the past month, but this one was such a desperate cry out to anybody for help. It was different from any another cries I've had because it came from a place of true hurt and desperation. This place of hurt slowly built up in the past few days. It came from the realization that even though people noticed I haven't been around, and some people even tangibly feel my distress, I can count on one hand the number of people that have genuinely asked how I was doing this past month and a half. It also came from the fact that 2 people I held so close to a few months ago, not once in the past month have they asked me how I was doing spiritually with the Lord. And I have been falling so hard. The realization that I could have fallen away completely and they wouldn't have noticed or cared broke me.

Joell's view on life in general is more hard than mine is. Every one of her friendships feel like this, but I feel as if her heart has grown a little bit hard from it. I know that this is the reality, that those that I love will not love me back as much. But I can't ignore that second commandment; I've learned to take His commandments seriously. But I was so conflicted, between self-preservation and choosing to love but always being hurt again.

I am sick and tired of being the weak one. The sensitive, vulnerable, helpless one. I have never held so much contempt for who God has made me to be.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made prefect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me" - 2 Corin 12:9

Thank God for putting Kristy in my life, a sister who thinks the same, who walks the same, and above all who loves the same as me. Literally everything I said during discipleship today, it was something that she either thought or went through. And she's been through the "why's" before, and I thank You so much for giving us that conversation today. It's ridiculous how much the tables have turned and how much she is teaching me, but that is the purpose of discipleship - for her to be bigger and better than I am.

Through our conversation, God revealed to me that of course He has a purpose for creating me this way. I've been praying for a kind of compassion that involves touching and being touched by others. But Kristy helped me realize that I have already been given a kind of compassion - a compassion that allows me to hurt as other people hurt. I feel as if this compassion is the "dark" one, the one that is more inline with sacrificial love. I've always wanted the compassion that was all butterflies and rainbows and feelings, but this compassion that I have is so different: it cuts so deep.

I found out the truth today, and the truth is that most of the time I will love more than the other person. And I can confidently say that because this love, this compassion is God given. I've always secretly despised how weak this makes me. Especially at this time, when even asking someone who has hurt me just a little bit to eat requires me to take a giant leap of faith. Putting myself out there requires boldness and courage, and it requires me realizing that I am facing a risk of failure, denial, and rejection. Every time I put myself out there, I put myself in the mercy of the other person. But above that I put myself at the mercy of God. 

So what do I do with this love & compassion if I can't run away? I still don't understand why it's necessary to have people like me in the world. But as Kristy explained to me how she realized her worth in God's eyes, I began to see mine. Looking back as to how my friendships started, I have been the one to take things "deeper" first. Growing up, I have always been the one to say sorry first. God can work reconciliation through me. God has used my vulnerability to open wide & fruitful doors for me. God can use me.

In the end, I do not know the exact reason why I am the way God has made me to be. But I can confidently say that He has made me like this for a purpose.

Looking back, when Joell was telling me to be careful in the way that I love and to be less naive about things of friendships, the thought that was running through my head was that I would do it the same way. That the next time, I would still love the same and make the same mistakes. In our discipleship, I told Kristy that I cannot say that I do not regret anything that has happened. In fact earlier today, I thought "If Pradeepan didn't do this things would be okay. Why did this happen?" But now after writing, I really do not regret anything that has happened. Throughout this, I have found myself. Yes I will ask the Lord for discernment on friendships and life, but I am confident in the way that God has made me to love.

I will keep loving through the suffering because this is Your will for me.

battles

One of my gifts is discernment. In the beginning of this semester, I could tell when it was an attack from the enemy. I took this gift for granted. In the past month or so, God (or the enemy, I can't really tell anymore - maybe it's the enemy making me think I don't have these gifts anymore) has taken away my gifts of discernment, favor with people, and encouragement. My favor with people, that pertains to my identity in Christ. My encouragement, that pertains to my use for Him or my willingness for God to use me. God has been breaking those chains and freeing me from them.

But discernment is such a different story. Without discernment, I don't know what is right or wrong anymore. I don't know which way is God's way and which way is my way. But most importantly and dangerously, without discernment I become angry at Him easily. Why? Because I begin to think that every bad thing that comes my way is from Him, and that He is doing this on purpose. Without discernment, I fail to realize his faithfulness. Without discernment, I fail to realize that He has always been here holding my feet up so I don't fall. 

It's so frustrating, and just now I have realized that the enemy has been attacking me all along. I have been believing lies, that my friends don't care about me and that they don't love me. And through that, I have begun to felt as if God doesn't care or love me either, even though I have not realized this until now. 

I didn't have breakthrough in this area for a month. I just received breakthrough today. Yesterday was horrible, but now I realize that it was all the enemy. From believing that Hannah was upset with me, to believe that Ashley and Pradeepan and even Shannon didn't care about me, I realize that it was all the enemy. And even now there's this small voice in my head that says "Well what if you're right? they don't care about you? What if you've been gone so long that they've forgotten about you?" I don't know the right answer, whether they really do care or not. But something I've said to others before is to give them the benefit of doubt, for we are not called to receive love but to give it. A month ago, I thought it was impossible to love without expecting a return in love back. But now I see that with God it is possible.

A month, that is how long this has been going on. First I feel shame, but I feel redemption as well, for You have not left me. It's ridiculous, the lies that I have believed in. For a month, I have not felt useful to God. I thought that I haven't been doing anything to advance His kingdom. But I have, even though I do not know to full extent what I have done, I have to cling onto that truth that I have done something for Him. I have fought the battle and I have won. This has really been the turning point. No matter how useless I feel, how little I have shared about his faithfulness or how little I have prayed for others, I have fought a battle and I, or more importantly He has won it. A battle won is a victory for His kingdom.

The enemy has attacked my spiritual gifts and my friendships. Both of these are some of my greatest strengths. That reveals to me that the enemy is trying to cripple my strengths because he knows that God has big plans for me. And I am even more encouraged in that. 

I will say this again because I know I will need it in the future - a battle won, no matter how small or how big the battle is, is a victory for His kingdom

Random

I've always wondered why people say it's bad to listen to secular music. I never really understood why, because I get that the lyrics are sometimes bad but just because I don't indulge in any of that stuff it's okay right? But recently I've definitely realized the power of secular music. Even if it's not about bad things and it's just about love and feelings and unicorns it still brings to the surface the desires of my flesh that long for that. It's crazy just how much music has power, like now listening to Misty Edwards I feel calmer and more peaceful. It's a lot of different things but I recognize that to be a follower of Christ everything you do must reflect Him.

Seasons

A child trusts in her daddy. That fact shows me how far away I am from the child-like faith mindset.

Last night, I asked if I could lead a song for large group. After I practiced with the team, so many opposing thoughts ran through my mind: Hungry is more unfamiliar to me than Climb is. This time I didn't feel this urging from God, I just acted on my own since Kimbo is not singing this week and I also helped picked songs. And above all, how could I lead people to a place that I have not been in a while? My emotions have been off lately, and I haven't been feeling anything but bitterness and sadness.

Right after worship practice, I had small group. I was so jealous and envious when I was listening to one of my girls talk about the Lord. She is going through relationship issues and her brother had to go to the ER but she had so much peace and so much faith in God. One thing she said stuck out to me "I really just wanted to rush back home and sit with God." For me, I haven't spent time with God at all the past three weeks. Sure, I've sang to Him and led small groups for Him but I have not been alone with Him.

I told my small group I was envious, and I shared about what I was going through. But Jeanette told me that there's a reason that I'm in this season and I shouldn't be jealous. Each season in nature has a purpose - spring for blooming, summer for fruitfulness, fall for harvesting, and winter for death and rebirth (I am kind of making these up haha). And likewise, the seasons in our faith each have a purpose. The season I am in right now is solidifying me, making me appreciate each season.

Also in small group, I got the image of playground swings and slides. The swing wasn't the big swing, it was the little toddler swing. I feel as if God is asking Him to trust Him. In the whole singing thing, trust that He will deliver me even if it's not something He's outright asking of me. In this mess right now, trusting that He is doing something inside of me even though I don't feel it.

It brought me back to the word Maggie had for me in small group. Yes I am in the fire, but it's only solidifying me. Trust that He is working inside

Homeless

It's funny. I feel homeless in almost every possible sense that I can think of. Homeless physically, because to me a home is a safe haven where I can rest. My dorm room is usually a physical manifestation of how I am feeling on the inside, and right now it's probably the most disgusting it's been. Homeless because I have slept in another room for the past 4 out of 5 days.
Homeless relationship wise because I feel as if I have no core "group" to run to when something happens, or to hang out just because we like each other. I have Shannon, Jeanette and Hannah, and maybe a few others but that is it for me, which is such a far cry from a semester ago.
Homeless emotionally in a sense that right now I can't identify how I am feeling. Right now I feel like I'm floating, but not necessarily in a good way. I just feel as if all the strings holding me down have been cut back, but now I'm just wandering without a purpose. Don't really know I feel about that, because I can't really even feel right now.

But I have neglected the spiritual aspect. I am never homeless, in God I will always have a home. In God I will always have my hideaway, my safe place, my resting spot. In God I will not have to worry about anything else. I have become so focused on looking and sounding "mature" and "holy" that that has become my main focus, and not God. Sometimes I only lift my hands up if other people have, or I only jump if others have jumped already too. Why am I so afraid to take the first step for Him? If He really is my home,  I don't have anything to worry about. He will protect and shield me and love me in the best possible way. Why am I so afraid in my home? So worried about how He thinks of me and of the sins I have committed?
No, I am finding my home in God. I have to keep reminding myself of that, to speak truth, which is such an important weapon that God has equipped me with recently.

Left behind

I thought God had place me here for a reason, but I found myself doubting and questioning that more and more. Mainly because God took away the community that I have had for the past few months. Our desires and our focus because really different and now it doesn't even feel like we're walking the same race anymore (which is dumb, because ultimately there's only one race that we all walk). I asked God if he had really placed me here, or if it was just my imagination. But every time I question that, he reminds me why he has placed me here. Disclaimer: I don't know where "here" is yet.

I started doubting that I was really following God, because I thought to follow God I had to have a heart for the nations and to go overseas and do missions. But that itself isn't everything, I've been acting as if wanting to  go overseas and do missions and healing people and having gifts of the Spirit makes people more mature or spiritual than other people, but God humbled me by putting me in that position. I started to question if I didn't have any of those things, am I truly following Christ? But everything that He did pointed me back to the heart. What is the gift of healing if I can't use it for love? Same for wanting to go overseas.

This week was hard, not just cause of community but because Rez week was over. It was hard because I lost the passion to go out in the name of love, and not in the name of myself. But it pointed me all back to the heart, where was my heart in all of this?

Something that I have always preached is that "It doesn't matter how good you are at ______, as long as you have a heart for it God can use you" but I have completely forgotten that truth. I have made the gifts and the works bigger than the Giver. A big testimony to this is leading one song at Epic Large group - I struggled with it so much the days before because I am not a good singer. But I felt as if God was calling me to explore this calling into music. I obeyed in the end, and I knew he was pleased. I had so much peace after. It really is all about the heart.

There's a difference between mourning and wallowing. Mourning is mourning the loss of something. Wallowing is self-pitying myself. And I was hard-core wallowing this whole week. When Shannon asked me to say one good thing about what God has been doing in my life, I couldn't come up with anything. But Thursday, He gave me the resolve to fight this self-pity phase. In the shower, He revealed to me why he removed community from me. It's because I have been too prideful about the communities that I have had. I have been losing favor with people lately, which has been hurting me because that has been one of God's most obvious gifts to me. But even then He showed me that He was sovereign, that He would give me community (whatever that looks like) and favor with people back on His own terms. And man, I really learned to just sit with Him. When people say "sit in His presence" I would be like "...okay. but i feel kind of stupid". I always felt as if I had to do something, but when Hannah was playing just 30 seconds of a song, I could feel that God wanted me to sit with him. So I just dropped every worry and just sat, and it was probably one of the sweetest 30 seconds I've had in a while.

When I ate with Ashley, she gave me this passage. I've read it before, but the Lord gave me a new understanding of this.

³⁸ As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Marthaopened her home to him. ³⁹ She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. ⁴⁰ But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”

⁴¹ “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, ⁴² but few things are needed—or indeed only one.^[a] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”

Luke 10: 38-42

This blog post is really for myself today, to remember where I have been with the Lord this week because it was such a jumbled and messy week in the beginning. I have cried more this week than the past 6 months combined. But God gave me back my resolve to fight with Him. He is definitely too good to me