Love letters from God

Ever since the beginning of this semester, every Wednesday has been the worst day of each week. The fast this week made me so physically tired and weak. I felt such strong temptations during large group to break my fast; I couldn't even stand up without leaning on the desks behind me or holding the chairs in front of me. And to add to that, the enemy has been attacking us lately - Pradeepan, Shannon, and I. The enemy basically moved between the three of us; I literally forgot almost every encouraging thing I wanted to share with people that day. And to top it off, the peace that I have had about being single, even possibly for the rest of my life, is gone. Like Lord I want to yearn for you, but even that passion has dwindled a little. The idea of a boyfriend and even a husband has been on my mind so much lately. Just the fact that I don't have the peace anymore really disturbs and distracts me.

Obviously the next day after Wednesday is Thursday, Valentine's day. I have never spent Valentine's day with somebody else. It's ridiculous how many insecurities I have in the guy department. Every Valentine's day has been defined by me looking through what everybody else is doing for Valentine's day and me wanting what they have. 

But the Lord had different plans for me for this Valentine's day. I started my day off with love, and not the superficial kind of love but the 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love. I harbor a lot of small, bitter feelings towards my roommate, and there are some grey areas in our relationship. But when I woke up that day, right next to my pillow was a bag of candy and note from her, about how I have been a blessing to her life. The fact that she kept no record of my wrongdoings, that really was... wow. 

Later after my classes, I went to go volunteer at a temporary foster home. On the ride there, the Lord gave me such GOOD revelation. I've been asking why he removed that peace from me, that peace of singleness. And why did he replace it with this desire of my flesh again? He told me, revealed to me that if some guy showed up in my life right now, I would have dropped everything that I had with Him to pursue some guy. I would have twisted God's will so that it became my will. He wants me to always have His will over mine. And no that doesn't mean that I am called to wait on someone, but that I am forever called to wait FOR Him. Ahhhh so good. I love and marvel the ways that God protects my heart.

The night ended with love, with a true community. A few of us spent the last few hours of valentine's together, praying over each other, sharing the word we got for each other, and encouraging each other. No matter how our day went, God brought us there together to be fed and to be loved as He had, has, and always will love us. 

Thank you Jesus, thank you for your unfailing love, thanking for translating into something tangible on a day that I often spent focusing on the things I lack in life. Thank you for your sweet, love letters.

Provisions

After small group yesterday, I felt such a heaviness in my heart but yet I didn't understand it. I can't even describe, but it made me not want to worship. I usually love worship. This happened right after I suggested to my small group that we should fast for Lent for something, and keep each other accountable for it. I was so confused as to why this was happening. And why exactly did it happen at that time... but Shannon encouraged me to ask the Lord about it. I was showering at like 1 AM (weird how I realize so many things in the shower), and it hit me that I have prayed for my girls to have a deeper connection with each other.

Fasting is something that can go beyond us just sharing about our bad test and our bad time management. I realize that the heaviness was probably n attack from the enemy, to discourage me from possibly something great from happening. Fasting could help us dive deeper into the great mystery that is God.

It's crazy to see how God provides for prayers to happen and how he answers them. Ahhhhhhhhh I love you God.

New

Last Wednesday shook me. I have always known that I struggle with approval as an idol. But during my discipleship with Emily, I realized that I find my worth and value in both the "good" and the "bad" things I do. During IM sport seasons, the feeling of worthlessness always intensifies. As a leader, I always feel as if the mistakes I commit impact the whole thing. Thought process:If small group goes bad, it's all my fault. If we lose a game, it's all my fault. I've known that I struggle with something, but I finally realized what it is. Knowing and realizing are two different things.

Last Friday at TCA during worship, I had this idea of being "new" in my head. While I still was and am struggling with the realization of worth and value, it did feel as if a few rows of chains have been lifted off of my back. But I was scared. I can't explain this "new"-ness I was feeling, but I seriously felt as if I was a different person. I didn't understand it then. It was so weird because I felt as if I saw people in a different light, and I put myself in a different light too.

Coming into TCA small groups, I guess I had the expectation that I would come out of it with tears on my face every night. That didn't happen, but I did get something out of it. I used to feel exasperated when the Lord would teach me things that he taught me before. I wasn't exasperated at Him, but I was at myself. Why couldn't I get it right? I felt like the Lord felt as if it was a burden to teach me. But listening to Pam, I realized that it's a joy to realize something new each time, even if it's the same lesson.

I didn't realize this "new" me-ish thing until Sunday night when we were at Halcyon celebrating Hannah's birthday. Because of my insecurities, I always felt as if I had to say something "helpful" or "wise", but there was so much less pressure that night. I also felt pressured to be "funny", to be the one that makes everybody laugh but there was less pressure in that also. And if I didn't succeed in those things, it didn't have a strong hold over me either. NEW. I was so afraid of being new. Everything I had known was a lie, but I didn't know how to live in the truth. But it is so freeing. Thank you Jesus