New

Last Wednesday shook me. I have always known that I struggle with approval as an idol. But during my discipleship with Emily, I realized that I find my worth and value in both the "good" and the "bad" things I do. During IM sport seasons, the feeling of worthlessness always intensifies. As a leader, I always feel as if the mistakes I commit impact the whole thing. Thought process:If small group goes bad, it's all my fault. If we lose a game, it's all my fault. I've known that I struggle with something, but I finally realized what it is. Knowing and realizing are two different things.

Last Friday at TCA during worship, I had this idea of being "new" in my head. While I still was and am struggling with the realization of worth and value, it did feel as if a few rows of chains have been lifted off of my back. But I was scared. I can't explain this "new"-ness I was feeling, but I seriously felt as if I was a different person. I didn't understand it then. It was so weird because I felt as if I saw people in a different light, and I put myself in a different light too.

Coming into TCA small groups, I guess I had the expectation that I would come out of it with tears on my face every night. That didn't happen, but I did get something out of it. I used to feel exasperated when the Lord would teach me things that he taught me before. I wasn't exasperated at Him, but I was at myself. Why couldn't I get it right? I felt like the Lord felt as if it was a burden to teach me. But listening to Pam, I realized that it's a joy to realize something new each time, even if it's the same lesson.

I didn't realize this "new" me-ish thing until Sunday night when we were at Halcyon celebrating Hannah's birthday. Because of my insecurities, I always felt as if I had to say something "helpful" or "wise", but there was so much less pressure that night. I also felt pressured to be "funny", to be the one that makes everybody laugh but there was less pressure in that also. And if I didn't succeed in those things, it didn't have a strong hold over me either. NEW. I was so afraid of being new. Everything I had known was a lie, but I didn't know how to live in the truth. But it is so freeing. Thank you Jesus