Backwards

Ever since I got home, I feel like I've been taking giant steps backwards. I was looking forward to pouring into the high-schoolers and to share my faith with my dad. But when I tried to do both today, I felt this big disconnect and it didn't feel like I was doing it for God.
Where did my desire go? My motivation, my conviction?
I am just a passing thought to the high-schoolers that were once so close to me, and my dad is so closed off to what I have to say about God.
It's a question that has always been there, but I have been too scared to face.
Do I really love God? Is everything I do for God or for me just to seem like I love God?
If I believe in Him, I should believe in His second coming right? But how come I treat everything like that as make-believe, not true?
I now know why God gave Hannah the vision of the desert for me; I need to push through this break and not rely on others to solve my relationship with God. Hopefully I can find what I'm looking for, because I don't even know what I'm looking for.

shooting star

God's timing is so perfect. It's crazy how finding constellations in the sky led to us seeing a shooting star. It's so weird how at that moment when James pointed out the big dipper, the Lord blessed us all with a shooting star.
This week I struggled with my flesh, my flesh of wanting human comfort from a guy. I struggled with finding fun and joy in things. But that shooting star reminded me of God's promises, his promises that we can and will deliver us from anything. It also was God's reminder to me of the hope he brings.
Thank God for the new eyes that let me see my brothers for who they truly are: my brothers. Thank God for allowing me to experience laughter and joy with my brothers and sisters the past few days. I cannot express how desperately I needed this time, how lonely and bitter I was towards the EPIC community.
The time I spent tonight with my older sisters was also a blessing. Even though we all did not usually meet with each other, somehow tonight felt right for all of us. I love how we appreciate each other for the little things we do, how we spur and point each other towards God.
Today I was reminded by Shannon not to let Satan steal my joy. I realized how easy it was to let other things get in the way, but the scripture 1 John 5:4 has stuck with me all today:
"For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith"
After a week of not feeling or seeking his presence, he brought me back to Him through all of this; thank you Jesus, you are good.

Sad

I clicked on a picture of me that was taken at the first orchestra concert this semester. My smile, my obvious happiness made me realize that I shouldn't wallow in sadness. Of course sad things happen to us all the time and it's okay to be sad, but for sorrow to take over us and to rule every thought we have and every action we do is sad itself. When I saw the picture, I realized that if I were to never smile that smile again, the enemy has won. That's what the enemy wants, is for us to give up, to stop finding joy even in the littlest things. Yes, having people hurt you or to know that they do not love and that they have given up to you is indeed, sad. But it's even sadder when you give up on yourself and when you don't listen to God telling you that you are beautiful and perfect in every single way.

Shame? It's okay to ask.

There is no shame in not knowing something, no shame in not being able to do something. Shame stops us from asking questions and taking risks that Jesus wants us to take. We become afraid that we will sound "stupid" or that we will look like failures. Newsflash? We are already failures. But that doesn't matter because of Jesus and the sacrifice He made for us. So why not take that extra step in getting to know Him?

I don't know a lot about the Bible: the verses, the old traditions, all the parables. Sometimes I feel embarrassed because I feel like I need to know these things to be a Christian. Obviously that's not true. This embarrassment drives me to not learn more, to question things and seek the answers. It makes me afraid and want to hide. But would God want us to know more about Him or hide in the shadows and be afraid to ask? Pretty sure the answer is self explanatory. 

Death? Life? Thoughts

I wasn't trying to but I unintentionally created a pun with the title. This Thanksgiving set me in reality: that my parents and my grandma will not be here forever. I think I'm independent in making decisions, but I still need to rely on them for moral support, comfort, and provisions. This week made me realized how lucky blessed I am to have two parents that work. One that has had two surgeries this year and just turned 64, but who still is able to retain his job. And my grandma, who turned 80 this week. Both of my grandfathers passed away at 80, but my grandma still cooks and cleans for all of us. She's still able to even go to a Rockets game. I know that this is all God's blessing. I've tried to rewrite this next sentence to explain what I'm feeling, but I don't think any words can express my gratitude and my thanks.

It's hard for me to appreciate people. I've grown up taking things for granted and it's difficult for me to take a step back and see how much my friends and family have done for me. But it's crazy to see what God has done. I've asked for a more sensitive heart, and He definitely delivered this week. Sometimes I think about what will happen when my family is gone, but God somehow brought me to the passage in 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18.

"Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him." 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14

Grieving is normal, but it's whether you grieve with hope or not that is important. Hope is something that is very fragile to me. But knowing that we will all die and rise with Christ, that has so much power in how you live. It's easy to let the sadness of death reach you, but if we have hope that our friends and family will be saved because they believe, then death is nothing more than a prolonged vacation, leave of absence. "Thanks for the memories the past years, see you later." Death is nothing more than these mere words because of the sacrifice Jesus committed in order to defeat death.

New.

I already have a blog on Tumblr, so why create another one? Looking back, I only created it because others had one. And to show people just how "spiritual" I am. I begun to write less often on that blog this semester. It was suffocating because I found myself writing for people and not myself.
This blog is dedicated to God and I's journey, our love story, our struggles, and our redemption.
I write this for myself, as a place for me to lay out all my thoughts and to try to figure them out.
I write this for my close brothers and sisters, who I know have my best interest at heart: for me to grow infinitely in my relationship with God and to draw close to Him
I write this for God, for our relationship, so I can see His goodness and provisions throughout time.

Father, please keep my heart in check.