Fast - 3/6/13

3/6/13
I never know what to fast for. I always end up fasting for breakthrough, but not really satisfied because it doesn't really feel right. I've been asking Him to show me what to fast for, and I got it today. This morning, He told me to fast for Him and me. You and me. The intimacy that has been lost, but that I have been yearning for the past few weeks.

Part of what was so intimate last year was that I saw the Lord everywhere. Not only in my prayers, in my worship, in the times I spent reading His word, but I saw him when I walked to class, when I was in class. Literally it was possible to see Him everywhere. I realized that that is part of what is missing this semester. I don't want to try to regain the exact intimacy I had with him last semester, but I want an even deeper level of intimacy. I seriously feel like the seed that grows and is choked by the thorns. I've been so preoccupied with my appearance, with my weight, with my grades, with how other people perceive me to be, with my phone and Facebook that I feel as if so many things are in the way of me and Him now. I now see the mess, but I have no idea where to start. Right now, I'm not only fasting from food but from media. I feel as if this is what the Lord wants of me today.

I hate tears. I don't even know why I'm crying. Frustration that I feel so alone? that I don't feel the excitement, the compassion I get when talking to people? Frustration that everyone sees me as broken, as something that needs fixing. I think part of why I have felt what I've been feeling frustrated, angry, and confused is that I've been feeling so small lately. To be honest, I'm not used to being small. But remember, I'm fasting for You and me. I must become small for Him to become big. Lord I rest fully on your strength.
Everyone is moving forward and I am drowning, but I need to recognize that only He can help me. I need to rely on his timing, and on faith that He will rescue me, no matter how long it takes.
I feel as if He wants me to rediscover his heart, to rediscover mine and why I fell in love with Him. Why I fight for the things I do.

3/7/13
I'm so glad I wrote all my feelings down yesterday, or I would have forgotten for sure.
Yesterday's fast was amazing...Thank you Lord. It was so good in that I learned that it's okay to not be okay. Last week I was full from the afternoon worship, but today I was full from You. After large group, I felt completely full. I would have been fine if I didn't eat after, but I love food so I ate anyways. Thank You for giving me yesterday