Jerusalem

When PJ gave the sermon last Sunday about Jerusalem, I thought that my Jerusalem was the thought of leaving and dedicating my life to missions. That has been brought up over and over again, through conversations with James, Pradeepan, and Shannon or the books that I have been reading or the stories that I have been hearing. But I didn't realize that right now I am in my Jerusalem.

It hit me when Shannon asked me today to think of the good things that the Lord has been doing in my life, and the few single good things I thought of all turned into bad things. I have lost community. I have three tests this week and I don't know how to balance school and people and God anymore. I have not been spending time in His presence at all, not even 5 mere minutes in the morning. I have lost my resolve to run. I have lost the passion that I've had for praying for healing, the passion that was so obvious at Rez week. I have forgotten why I am in core team, why I am in the position I am in now. I have lost patience with my parents. I feel as if my friends are slipping away, that I have no control over my friendships anymore. I have lost a friendship that I have been trying so hard to salvage. I am in stuck between 4 different people, in a situation I have no control over. I am complaining so much it is ridiculous.

But this is what Satan wants, and I will not give him this satisfaction. I will still turn to God in this time of no control. I am again reminded of the man struggling in the water, that man that tried to get out on his own terms. God, remind me that your timing is perfect and that you will lift me up in your right hand. Remind me that it's not about my works but it's about my heart. Remind me that suffering and joy go hand in hand; the more I suffer and lose everything, the more that I have you.

Yes I feel as if my world is slipping. But the things that were dear to me, friends, the American Dream, merits, jobs, even spiritual works, are nothing compared to you.

If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even their own life--such a person cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26