Victory

If God appeared in front of me right now and asked me "Emily, I died for you and you did what?", could I be honest? Could I own up to my mistakes? Could I confidently say "and I followed you just as you told me to."

No I can't. Jesus died for me but I am sinning. I am judging, I am angry, I am hurt and confused. I want love from those other than Jesus. These are all things that Jesus did not want to see after he died for us. I struggled with love so many times. I didn't believe that He truly loved me. What is love to me? I see it as something good, but that is contained by a bunch of rules and conditions. I rarely see his unconditional love here, among my brothers and sisters because each one of us is a sinner. That is something big I have been forgetting. Why am I putting the leaders of TCA on a pedestal? Or the people that seem very "Spirit-filled", which I don't even know what that means, because that doesn't mean anything at all. We are all sinners. I shouldn't glorify another sinner.

Man He is too good to me. The healing that I have seen this week has been incredible. The reminders that He loves me have been too much. When Joanne said that she saw I was so well protected by God, that was the start to part of my wreckage (I mean this in a good way). And on Friday, wow when I was brushing my hair and getting ready to leave to go to class, I had this notion that God was brushing my hair. Silly right? But when you put into perspective as a Father brushing his little daughter's hair, it's not silly at all. God loves me, so much that He treasures these little moments more than I will ever know. I never cry at anything emotional or heart-related, but I have never ever been in a moment where it was so easy for me to tear up all the sudden. It is so good to be a child.

And then Passion just continued the wreckage. I have never seen it before, but just seeing his unwavering resolve that he HAD to die for us became too much. I will never be able to know the full extent of the love He has for me and that in itself hurts also.

On Saturday, I was reminded of the sin that I had been walking in. It kind of felt as if my eyes had become so accustomed to the dark that for a while I felt as if the dark was the light. But I had my eyes open and I realized that I had been walking in so much sin. I am a sinner. Yes I am a daughter of a King and His beloved but I am also a sinner. If I forget that then what is the meaning of the Gospel to me?

Normally I would realize that and I would be driven to an even lower place, just with the realization that I am a sinner. But God has been building everything up to that point, where I realize that my sins are why He has died. He is a good daddy, he does not want us to be driven to shame and guilt when we realize what He has done for us. I am a sinner and I am broken, but God let me experience a love so great that I didn't feel any guilt or shame for what I have done, am doing, and will do. Finally, God has given me victory through that.