randoms

Another taste of real community - when you have the freedom to share your burdens with others, without the fear of burdening them because you know that they care for you with a love that is so strong that they want to take on your burdens

I have experienced this so much in the past few days, thank You so much for this. I just realized that you have the ability to take over all of my burdens. I am so amazed by the fact that my brothers and sisters can share my burden, but you can and you want to carry all of my burdens. Thank You for that

calling

For the past 20 years, I have had this notion that I would get a degree, meet someone, get a job, get married, raise a family, and serve God in whatever way that would look like in my life. I realized that I have this preconceived picture in my head on how my life is supposed to look like, and I'm trying to fit God into that. But problem is that God doesn't work like that. We don't pick the easiest path in our life and try to fit God into that image. We have to seek out the life that God wants us to live and follow that path no matter how hard it is.
I always thought that I wasn't called to missions. I can't survive on my own, I'm super dependent, super shy, super timid, not a good speaker, etc... I know that God uses the poor, the small, and the weak and I know that He can use me. But for the past years, I've rationalized that God doesn't want me on the mission field for those reasons. But now I feel as if He might even be calling me to it. I don't even know how or why or when this happened but whenever I hear of missions in general, there's a stirring/longing in my heart. I can't put my finger on exactly what it is, but I know it's there.
And I am super scared. I hear of all of these people who know that they are called to mission, who have some kind of plan set out. But for me, I have never thought about it and I don't even know where to begin to look into it. I need to search my heart; I know that He is at least calling me to do that - to search my heart and His heart to see if missions is where He wants me to be.
So many conflicting emotions. I do want this "safe" life that I have planned out for myself. But at the same time, I have been exposed little by little to the brokenness of the world. On my birthday, I thought of the many children throughout the world, and how they do not get thrown birthday celebrations by their loved ones. It hurts that there are children who don't know that they are loved, that they have a Maker who loves them so much.
Hopefully this summer at South East Asia, my calling might be a little clearer. But I'm not banking on that. I will seek out God's plan and open my ears to Him. It's even scary for me to write this, because I am actually acknowledging these feelings that I have been hiding.



**** I FINALLY WROTE A BLOG POST AFTER LIKE WRITING 10 DRAFTS AND DELETING THEM THANK YOU JESUS

Love letters from God

Ever since the beginning of this semester, every Wednesday has been the worst day of each week. The fast this week made me so physically tired and weak. I felt such strong temptations during large group to break my fast; I couldn't even stand up without leaning on the desks behind me or holding the chairs in front of me. And to add to that, the enemy has been attacking us lately - Pradeepan, Shannon, and I. The enemy basically moved between the three of us; I literally forgot almost every encouraging thing I wanted to share with people that day. And to top it off, the peace that I have had about being single, even possibly for the rest of my life, is gone. Like Lord I want to yearn for you, but even that passion has dwindled a little. The idea of a boyfriend and even a husband has been on my mind so much lately. Just the fact that I don't have the peace anymore really disturbs and distracts me.

Obviously the next day after Wednesday is Thursday, Valentine's day. I have never spent Valentine's day with somebody else. It's ridiculous how many insecurities I have in the guy department. Every Valentine's day has been defined by me looking through what everybody else is doing for Valentine's day and me wanting what they have. 

But the Lord had different plans for me for this Valentine's day. I started my day off with love, and not the superficial kind of love but the 1 Corinthians 13 kind of love. I harbor a lot of small, bitter feelings towards my roommate, and there are some grey areas in our relationship. But when I woke up that day, right next to my pillow was a bag of candy and note from her, about how I have been a blessing to her life. The fact that she kept no record of my wrongdoings, that really was... wow. 

Later after my classes, I went to go volunteer at a temporary foster home. On the ride there, the Lord gave me such GOOD revelation. I've been asking why he removed that peace from me, that peace of singleness. And why did he replace it with this desire of my flesh again? He told me, revealed to me that if some guy showed up in my life right now, I would have dropped everything that I had with Him to pursue some guy. I would have twisted God's will so that it became my will. He wants me to always have His will over mine. And no that doesn't mean that I am called to wait on someone, but that I am forever called to wait FOR Him. Ahhhh so good. I love and marvel the ways that God protects my heart.

The night ended with love, with a true community. A few of us spent the last few hours of valentine's together, praying over each other, sharing the word we got for each other, and encouraging each other. No matter how our day went, God brought us there together to be fed and to be loved as He had, has, and always will love us. 

Thank you Jesus, thank you for your unfailing love, thanking for translating into something tangible on a day that I often spent focusing on the things I lack in life. Thank you for your sweet, love letters.

Provisions

After small group yesterday, I felt such a heaviness in my heart but yet I didn't understand it. I can't even describe, but it made me not want to worship. I usually love worship. This happened right after I suggested to my small group that we should fast for Lent for something, and keep each other accountable for it. I was so confused as to why this was happening. And why exactly did it happen at that time... but Shannon encouraged me to ask the Lord about it. I was showering at like 1 AM (weird how I realize so many things in the shower), and it hit me that I have prayed for my girls to have a deeper connection with each other.

Fasting is something that can go beyond us just sharing about our bad test and our bad time management. I realize that the heaviness was probably n attack from the enemy, to discourage me from possibly something great from happening. Fasting could help us dive deeper into the great mystery that is God.

It's crazy to see how God provides for prayers to happen and how he answers them. Ahhhhhhhhh I love you God.

New

Last Wednesday shook me. I have always known that I struggle with approval as an idol. But during my discipleship with Emily, I realized that I find my worth and value in both the "good" and the "bad" things I do. During IM sport seasons, the feeling of worthlessness always intensifies. As a leader, I always feel as if the mistakes I commit impact the whole thing. Thought process:If small group goes bad, it's all my fault. If we lose a game, it's all my fault. I've known that I struggle with something, but I finally realized what it is. Knowing and realizing are two different things.

Last Friday at TCA during worship, I had this idea of being "new" in my head. While I still was and am struggling with the realization of worth and value, it did feel as if a few rows of chains have been lifted off of my back. But I was scared. I can't explain this "new"-ness I was feeling, but I seriously felt as if I was a different person. I didn't understand it then. It was so weird because I felt as if I saw people in a different light, and I put myself in a different light too.

Coming into TCA small groups, I guess I had the expectation that I would come out of it with tears on my face every night. That didn't happen, but I did get something out of it. I used to feel exasperated when the Lord would teach me things that he taught me before. I wasn't exasperated at Him, but I was at myself. Why couldn't I get it right? I felt like the Lord felt as if it was a burden to teach me. But listening to Pam, I realized that it's a joy to realize something new each time, even if it's the same lesson.

I didn't realize this "new" me-ish thing until Sunday night when we were at Halcyon celebrating Hannah's birthday. Because of my insecurities, I always felt as if I had to say something "helpful" or "wise", but there was so much less pressure that night. I also felt pressured to be "funny", to be the one that makes everybody laugh but there was less pressure in that also. And if I didn't succeed in those things, it didn't have a strong hold over me either. NEW. I was so afraid of being new. Everything I had known was a lie, but I didn't know how to live in the truth. But it is so freeing. Thank you Jesus

Anthology

Last year's anthology and this year's fall retreat left me wondering why I went, whether I had learned anything at all. Coming into this year's anthology, I was excited but I did not want to expect anything in fear of being let down. I did expect though, I expected anthology to have really powerful speakers that could maybe speak truth in my life.

This year's anthology exceeded every expectation I had. It's too dense and my thoughts are scattered so...time to process.

Vulnerability

Kimberly Cassanova led this year's women's time. One thing she said that spoke to me was that the enemy wants to make us feel as if we are the only one. Women's time led me and the other sisters in my year to share about our past and to share about topics that are usually "taboo" among girls, such as fantasizing or porn or masturbation. People assume that guys are the only ones that struggle with this, but girls are equally prone to fall into this temptation as well. It was so FREEING to be able to confess our sins and to be able to encourage and love our sisters on a deeper level. It felt like a true community, and our only intention was to love others and love God through this deeply intimate time. 

Outreach

The basis of every foundation has to be love. This is something I realized recently, when I noticed that it almost became a chore to be around my non Christian friends. I didn't know who my friends were anymore, what they liked and didn't like, how their personalities were and what made them explode at any second. I have been asking, praying, begging God for opportunities to show them His love and to love them with my heart as well. The Facebook outreach was definitely something different and something nobody really does on Facebook. But God did call us to be uncomfortable, and he called us to walk on the path that is less traveled. In the instructions sheet, it asked us to text our friends and ask if they had any prayer requests. Two of the four friends responded back asking if THEY could pray for ME. I feel as if it was a reminder that when we give up and lose hope, God never gives up. Matthew 9:37 - that passage never said that the harvest was impossible. And everything is possible for God.

Affirmation 

The last night of anthology. Somebody was sharing, all the people around me were crying. Before anthology I have been feeling insecure about my worth and about my ability to lead others, especially in small group. The fact that I wasn't crying was the last straw. A slew of questions popped up in my head: "Why am I not crying? Am I not feeling anything? Is God not convicting me? Does He not care about me enough to affirm me or help me feel something?"..etc. While struggling with these thoughts, we were asked to line up for the confession board. In the line, I saw Pradeepan standing 10 feet in front of me and I had the urge to pray for Him. I looked around and nobody else was praying. What would I even pray for? After 2 minutes of deciding whether or not I should obey this gut feeling which is probably the Holy Spirit and go pray for Pradeepan, I decided to take a step in my faith and pray for Him. It turns out that Pradeepan had been praying to the Lord for somebody to pray for Him. Personally, that in itself is affirmation for me. It was God saying that I am strong enough to love others and not just to accept receive love. And that if I love others, I will still receive an infinite amount of love for Him and that He never will leave me. Crazy..

Prayer

Another thing that happened on the last night. After I prayed for Pradeepan, God set it on our hearts to pray for two of our brothers. I have struggled with prayer, being comfortable in openly talking to God and not feeling ashamed that my prayer is not "good enough". I have also struggled with wanting to pray; I have not seen a "use" for it many times. But that night God started to heal  and place prayer in my heart. 

I think through anthology I definitely rediscovered a core theme of the Gospel and a sure foundation of my faith. I was able to experience love and realness (vulnerability, transparency, pure and true devotion for God). In fact, as I am writing and re-processing this, I realized that I have not been real in my faith and real to others. I try to give advice that makes me sound mature, that I think will help them but the only thing I am called to do is love them with God's love. I don't need to earn my friend's love, whatever I say they will accept me because I have already let them see my real self before. I don't know if I'm making sense but YEAH God is cool.

Randoms

Something I realized yesterday is that the Bible is written so long ago..2000 years? Or maybe even more? And the things that are written still apply to us today, all the teachings and parables. Yes there are other books about fables, virtues, and parables but the Bible probably contains every problem and every instruction that we come across. That's a true testament of God's perfect plan to me.

Shame is not an emotion that God wants us to feel. It is one of the hardest emotions for me to deal with, especially if I feel like I have failed or wronged a friend or messed up something. It is hard to not give into it, even after a year of realizing that I shouldn't give in to it. I have this fear now that I will never conquer this.

I am not looking forward to going back. I feel like I have gone forward in my walk, but after seeing everybody's passion for God I feel like I have gone backward. I know I shouldn't base my walk with God off on other's walk with God but it's just too tempting. Same with the shame and guilt thing.

Shame and guilt is weighing down a lot on my heart at the moment.. I feel like I know these things, that I know I shouldn't feel like this and that God is never ashamed of me. I know that but I feel like I'm stuck in a very strong bubble. I'm at the edge and I'm trying to pop the bubble but I can't. I need breakthrough