Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Random
I've always wondered why people say it's bad to listen to secular music. I never really understood why, because I get that the lyrics are sometimes bad but just because I don't indulge in any of that stuff it's okay right? But recently I've definitely realized the power of secular music. Even if it's not about bad things and it's just about love and feelings and unicorns it still brings to the surface the desires of my flesh that long for that. It's crazy just how much music has power, like now listening to Misty Edwards I feel calmer and more peaceful. It's a lot of different things but I recognize that to be a follower of Christ everything you do must reflect Him.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Seasons
A child trusts in her daddy. That fact shows me how far away I am from the child-like faith mindset.
Last night, I asked if I could lead a song for large group. After I practiced with the team, so many opposing thoughts ran through my mind: Hungry is more unfamiliar to me than Climb is. This time I didn't feel this urging from God, I just acted on my own since Kimbo is not singing this week and I also helped picked songs. And above all, how could I lead people to a place that I have not been in a while? My emotions have been off lately, and I haven't been feeling anything but bitterness and sadness.
Right after worship practice, I had small group. I was so jealous and envious when I was listening to one of my girls talk about the Lord. She is going through relationship issues and her brother had to go to the ER but she had so much peace and so much faith in God. One thing she said stuck out to me "I really just wanted to rush back home and sit with God." For me, I haven't spent time with God at all the past three weeks. Sure, I've sang to Him and led small groups for Him but I have not been alone with Him.
I told my small group I was envious, and I shared about what I was going through. But Jeanette told me that there's a reason that I'm in this season and I shouldn't be jealous. Each season in nature has a purpose - spring for blooming, summer for fruitfulness, fall for harvesting, and winter for death and rebirth (I am kind of making these up haha). And likewise, the seasons in our faith each have a purpose. The season I am in right now is solidifying me, making me appreciate each season.
Also in small group, I got the image of playground swings and slides. The swing wasn't the big swing, it was the little toddler swing. I feel as if God is asking Him to trust Him. In the whole singing thing, trust that He will deliver me even if it's not something He's outright asking of me. In this mess right now, trusting that He is doing something inside of me even though I don't feel it.
It brought me back to the word Maggie had for me in small group. Yes I am in the fire, but it's only solidifying me. Trust that He is working inside
Last night, I asked if I could lead a song for large group. After I practiced with the team, so many opposing thoughts ran through my mind: Hungry is more unfamiliar to me than Climb is. This time I didn't feel this urging from God, I just acted on my own since Kimbo is not singing this week and I also helped picked songs. And above all, how could I lead people to a place that I have not been in a while? My emotions have been off lately, and I haven't been feeling anything but bitterness and sadness.
Right after worship practice, I had small group. I was so jealous and envious when I was listening to one of my girls talk about the Lord. She is going through relationship issues and her brother had to go to the ER but she had so much peace and so much faith in God. One thing she said stuck out to me "I really just wanted to rush back home and sit with God." For me, I haven't spent time with God at all the past three weeks. Sure, I've sang to Him and led small groups for Him but I have not been alone with Him.
I told my small group I was envious, and I shared about what I was going through. But Jeanette told me that there's a reason that I'm in this season and I shouldn't be jealous. Each season in nature has a purpose - spring for blooming, summer for fruitfulness, fall for harvesting, and winter for death and rebirth (I am kind of making these up haha). And likewise, the seasons in our faith each have a purpose. The season I am in right now is solidifying me, making me appreciate each season.
Also in small group, I got the image of playground swings and slides. The swing wasn't the big swing, it was the little toddler swing. I feel as if God is asking Him to trust Him. In the whole singing thing, trust that He will deliver me even if it's not something He's outright asking of me. In this mess right now, trusting that He is doing something inside of me even though I don't feel it.
It brought me back to the word Maggie had for me in small group. Yes I am in the fire, but it's only solidifying me. Trust that He is working inside
Monday, April 8, 2013
Homeless
It's funny. I feel homeless in almost every possible sense that I can think of. Homeless physically, because to me a home is a safe haven where I can rest. My dorm room is usually a physical manifestation of how I am feeling on the inside, and right now it's probably the most disgusting it's been. Homeless because I have slept in another room for the past 4 out of 5 days.
Homeless relationship wise because I feel as if I have no core "group" to run to when something happens, or to hang out just because we like each other. I have Shannon, Jeanette and Hannah, and maybe a few others but that is it for me, which is such a far cry from a semester ago.
Homeless emotionally in a sense that right now I can't identify how I am feeling. Right now I feel like I'm floating, but not necessarily in a good way. I just feel as if all the strings holding me down have been cut back, but now I'm just wandering without a purpose. Don't really know I feel about that, because I can't really even feel right now.
But I have neglected the spiritual aspect. I am never homeless, in God I will always have a home. In God I will always have my hideaway, my safe place, my resting spot. In God I will not have to worry about anything else. I have become so focused on looking and sounding "mature" and "holy" that that has become my main focus, and not God. Sometimes I only lift my hands up if other people have, or I only jump if others have jumped already too. Why am I so afraid to take the first step for Him? If He really is my home, I don't have anything to worry about. He will protect and shield me and love me in the best possible way. Why am I so afraid in my home? So worried about how He thinks of me and of the sins I have committed?
No, I am finding my home in God. I have to keep reminding myself of that, to speak truth, which is such an important weapon that God has equipped me with recently.
Homeless relationship wise because I feel as if I have no core "group" to run to when something happens, or to hang out just because we like each other. I have Shannon, Jeanette and Hannah, and maybe a few others but that is it for me, which is such a far cry from a semester ago.
Homeless emotionally in a sense that right now I can't identify how I am feeling. Right now I feel like I'm floating, but not necessarily in a good way. I just feel as if all the strings holding me down have been cut back, but now I'm just wandering without a purpose. Don't really know I feel about that, because I can't really even feel right now.
But I have neglected the spiritual aspect. I am never homeless, in God I will always have a home. In God I will always have my hideaway, my safe place, my resting spot. In God I will not have to worry about anything else. I have become so focused on looking and sounding "mature" and "holy" that that has become my main focus, and not God. Sometimes I only lift my hands up if other people have, or I only jump if others have jumped already too. Why am I so afraid to take the first step for Him? If He really is my home, I don't have anything to worry about. He will protect and shield me and love me in the best possible way. Why am I so afraid in my home? So worried about how He thinks of me and of the sins I have committed?
No, I am finding my home in God. I have to keep reminding myself of that, to speak truth, which is such an important weapon that God has equipped me with recently.
Friday, April 5, 2013
Left behind
I thought God had place me here for a reason, but I found myself doubting and questioning that more and more. Mainly because God took away the community that I have had for the past few months. Our desires and our focus because really different and now it doesn't even feel like we're walking the same race anymore (which is dumb, because ultimately there's only one race that we all walk). I asked God if he had really placed me here, or if it was just my imagination. But every time I question that, he reminds me why he has placed me here. Disclaimer: I don't know where "here" is yet.
I started doubting that I was really following God, because I thought to follow God I had to have a heart for the nations and to go overseas and do missions. But that itself isn't everything, I've been acting as if wanting to go overseas and do missions and healing people and having gifts of the Spirit makes people more mature or spiritual than other people, but God humbled me by putting me in that position. I started to question if I didn't have any of those things, am I truly following Christ? But everything that He did pointed me back to the heart. What is the gift of healing if I can't use it for love? Same for wanting to go overseas.
This week was hard, not just cause of community but because Rez week was over. It was hard because I lost the passion to go out in the name of love, and not in the name of myself. But it pointed me all back to the heart, where was my heart in all of this?
Something that I have always preached is that "It doesn't matter how good you are at ______, as long as you have a heart for it God can use you" but I have completely forgotten that truth. I have made the gifts and the works bigger than the Giver. A big testimony to this is leading one song at Epic Large group - I struggled with it so much the days before because I am not a good singer. But I felt as if God was calling me to explore this calling into music. I obeyed in the end, and I knew he was pleased. I had so much peace after. It really is all about the heart.
There's a difference between mourning and wallowing. Mourning is mourning the loss of something. Wallowing is self-pitying myself. And I was hard-core wallowing this whole week. When Shannon asked me to say one good thing about what God has been doing in my life, I couldn't come up with anything. But Thursday, He gave me the resolve to fight this self-pity phase. In the shower, He revealed to me why he removed community from me. It's because I have been too prideful about the communities that I have had. I have been losing favor with people lately, which has been hurting me because that has been one of God's most obvious gifts to me. But even then He showed me that He was sovereign, that He would give me community (whatever that looks like) and favor with people back on His own terms. And man, I really learned to just sit with Him. When people say "sit in His presence" I would be like "...okay. but i feel kind of stupid". I always felt as if I had to do something, but when Hannah was playing just 30 seconds of a song, I could feel that God wanted me to sit with him. So I just dropped every worry and just sat, and it was probably one of the sweetest 30 seconds I've had in a while.
When I ate with Ashley, she gave me this passage. I've read it before, but the Lord gave me a new understanding of this.
Luke 10: 38-42
This blog post is really for myself today, to remember where I have been with the Lord this week because it was such a jumbled and messy week in the beginning. I have cried more this week than the past 6 months combined. But God gave me back my resolve to fight with Him. He is definitely too good to me
I started doubting that I was really following God, because I thought to follow God I had to have a heart for the nations and to go overseas and do missions. But that itself isn't everything, I've been acting as if wanting to go overseas and do missions and healing people and having gifts of the Spirit makes people more mature or spiritual than other people, but God humbled me by putting me in that position. I started to question if I didn't have any of those things, am I truly following Christ? But everything that He did pointed me back to the heart. What is the gift of healing if I can't use it for love? Same for wanting to go overseas.
This week was hard, not just cause of community but because Rez week was over. It was hard because I lost the passion to go out in the name of love, and not in the name of myself. But it pointed me all back to the heart, where was my heart in all of this?
Something that I have always preached is that "It doesn't matter how good you are at ______, as long as you have a heart for it God can use you" but I have completely forgotten that truth. I have made the gifts and the works bigger than the Giver. A big testimony to this is leading one song at Epic Large group - I struggled with it so much the days before because I am not a good singer. But I felt as if God was calling me to explore this calling into music. I obeyed in the end, and I knew he was pleased. I had so much peace after. It really is all about the heart.
There's a difference between mourning and wallowing. Mourning is mourning the loss of something. Wallowing is self-pitying myself. And I was hard-core wallowing this whole week. When Shannon asked me to say one good thing about what God has been doing in my life, I couldn't come up with anything. But Thursday, He gave me the resolve to fight this self-pity phase. In the shower, He revealed to me why he removed community from me. It's because I have been too prideful about the communities that I have had. I have been losing favor with people lately, which has been hurting me because that has been one of God's most obvious gifts to me. But even then He showed me that He was sovereign, that He would give me community (whatever that looks like) and favor with people back on His own terms. And man, I really learned to just sit with Him. When people say "sit in His presence" I would be like "...okay. but i feel kind of stupid". I always felt as if I had to do something, but when Hannah was playing just 30 seconds of a song, I could feel that God wanted me to sit with him. So I just dropped every worry and just sat, and it was probably one of the sweetest 30 seconds I've had in a while.
When I ate with Ashley, she gave me this passage. I've read it before, but the Lord gave me a new understanding of this.
38 As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Marthaopened her home to him. 39 She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. 40 But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
41 “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried and upset about many things, 42 but few things are needed—or indeed only one.[a] Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.”
Luke 10: 38-42
This blog post is really for myself today, to remember where I have been with the Lord this week because it was such a jumbled and messy week in the beginning. I have cried more this week than the past 6 months combined. But God gave me back my resolve to fight with Him. He is definitely too good to me
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Climb
I lean not on my own understanding
My life is in the hands of the Maker of heaven
I give it all to You God trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me
There's nothing I hold on to
There's nothing I hold on to
There's nothing I hold on to
There's nothing I hold on to
I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open
I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open
My life is in the hands of the Maker of heaven
I give it all to You God trusting that you'll make something beautiful out of me
There's nothing I hold on to
There's nothing I hold on to
There's nothing I hold on to
There's nothing I hold on to
I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open
I will climb this mountain with my hands wide open
Thank you for giving me back my will to fight for You. I will not go down, I will only go up from here.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Jerusalem
When PJ gave the sermon last Sunday about Jerusalem, I thought that my Jerusalem was the thought of leaving and dedicating my life to missions. That has been brought up over and over again, through conversations with James, Pradeepan, and Shannon or the books that I have been reading or the stories that I have been hearing. But I didn't realize that right now I am in my Jerusalem.
It hit me when Shannon asked me today to think of the good things that the Lord has been doing in my life, and the few single good things I thought of all turned into bad things. I have lost community. I have three tests this week and I don't know how to balance school and people and God anymore. I have not been spending time in His presence at all, not even 5 mere minutes in the morning. I have lost my resolve to run. I have lost the passion that I've had for praying for healing, the passion that was so obvious at Rez week. I have forgotten why I am in core team, why I am in the position I am in now. I have lost patience with my parents. I feel as if my friends are slipping away, that I have no control over my friendships anymore. I have lost a friendship that I have been trying so hard to salvage. I am in stuck between 4 different people, in a situation I have no control over. I am complaining so much it is ridiculous.
But this is what Satan wants, and I will not give him this satisfaction. I will still turn to God in this time of no control. I am again reminded of the man struggling in the water, that man that tried to get out on his own terms. God, remind me that your timing is perfect and that you will lift me up in your right hand. Remind me that it's not about my works but it's about my heart. Remind me that suffering and joy go hand in hand; the more I suffer and lose everything, the more that I have you.
Yes I feel as if my world is slipping. But the things that were dear to me, friends, the American Dream, merits, jobs, even spiritual works, are nothing compared to you.
If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even their own life--such a person cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26
It hit me when Shannon asked me today to think of the good things that the Lord has been doing in my life, and the few single good things I thought of all turned into bad things. I have lost community. I have three tests this week and I don't know how to balance school and people and God anymore. I have not been spending time in His presence at all, not even 5 mere minutes in the morning. I have lost my resolve to run. I have lost the passion that I've had for praying for healing, the passion that was so obvious at Rez week. I have forgotten why I am in core team, why I am in the position I am in now. I have lost patience with my parents. I feel as if my friends are slipping away, that I have no control over my friendships anymore. I have lost a friendship that I have been trying so hard to salvage. I am in stuck between 4 different people, in a situation I have no control over. I am complaining so much it is ridiculous.
But this is what Satan wants, and I will not give him this satisfaction. I will still turn to God in this time of no control. I am again reminded of the man struggling in the water, that man that tried to get out on his own terms. God, remind me that your timing is perfect and that you will lift me up in your right hand. Remind me that it's not about my works but it's about my heart. Remind me that suffering and joy go hand in hand; the more I suffer and lose everything, the more that I have you.
Yes I feel as if my world is slipping. But the things that were dear to me, friends, the American Dream, merits, jobs, even spiritual works, are nothing compared to you.
If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters--yes, even their own life--such a person cannot be my disciple. Luke 14:26
Monday, April 1, 2013
Victory
If God appeared in front of me right now and asked me "Emily, I died for you and you did what?", could I be honest? Could I own up to my mistakes? Could I confidently say "and I followed you just as you told me to."
No I can't. Jesus died for me but I am sinning. I am judging, I am angry, I am hurt and confused. I want love from those other than Jesus. These are all things that Jesus did not want to see after he died for us. I struggled with love so many times. I didn't believe that He truly loved me. What is love to me? I see it as something good, but that is contained by a bunch of rules and conditions. I rarely see his unconditional love here, among my brothers and sisters because each one of us is a sinner. That is something big I have been forgetting. Why am I putting the leaders of TCA on a pedestal? Or the people that seem very "Spirit-filled", which I don't even know what that means, because that doesn't mean anything at all. We are all sinners. I shouldn't glorify another sinner.
Man He is too good to me. The healing that I have seen this week has been incredible. The reminders that He loves me have been too much. When Joanne said that she saw I was so well protected by God, that was the start to part of my wreckage (I mean this in a good way). And on Friday, wow when I was brushing my hair and getting ready to leave to go to class, I had this notion that God was brushing my hair. Silly right? But when you put into perspective as a Father brushing his little daughter's hair, it's not silly at all. God loves me, so much that He treasures these little moments more than I will ever know. I never cry at anything emotional or heart-related, but I have never ever been in a moment where it was so easy for me to tear up all the sudden. It is so good to be a child.
And then Passion just continued the wreckage. I have never seen it before, but just seeing his unwavering resolve that he HAD to die for us became too much. I will never be able to know the full extent of the love He has for me and that in itself hurts also.
On Saturday, I was reminded of the sin that I had been walking in. It kind of felt as if my eyes had become so accustomed to the dark that for a while I felt as if the dark was the light. But I had my eyes open and I realized that I had been walking in so much sin. I am a sinner. Yes I am a daughter of a King and His beloved but I am also a sinner. If I forget that then what is the meaning of the Gospel to me?
Normally I would realize that and I would be driven to an even lower place, just with the realization that I am a sinner. But God has been building everything up to that point, where I realize that my sins are why He has died. He is a good daddy, he does not want us to be driven to shame and guilt when we realize what He has done for us. I am a sinner and I am broken, but God let me experience a love so great that I didn't feel any guilt or shame for what I have done, am doing, and will do. Finally, God has given me victory through that.
No I can't. Jesus died for me but I am sinning. I am judging, I am angry, I am hurt and confused. I want love from those other than Jesus. These are all things that Jesus did not want to see after he died for us. I struggled with love so many times. I didn't believe that He truly loved me. What is love to me? I see it as something good, but that is contained by a bunch of rules and conditions. I rarely see his unconditional love here, among my brothers and sisters because each one of us is a sinner. That is something big I have been forgetting. Why am I putting the leaders of TCA on a pedestal? Or the people that seem very "Spirit-filled", which I don't even know what that means, because that doesn't mean anything at all. We are all sinners. I shouldn't glorify another sinner.
Man He is too good to me. The healing that I have seen this week has been incredible. The reminders that He loves me have been too much. When Joanne said that she saw I was so well protected by God, that was the start to part of my wreckage (I mean this in a good way). And on Friday, wow when I was brushing my hair and getting ready to leave to go to class, I had this notion that God was brushing my hair. Silly right? But when you put into perspective as a Father brushing his little daughter's hair, it's not silly at all. God loves me, so much that He treasures these little moments more than I will ever know. I never cry at anything emotional or heart-related, but I have never ever been in a moment where it was so easy for me to tear up all the sudden. It is so good to be a child.
And then Passion just continued the wreckage. I have never seen it before, but just seeing his unwavering resolve that he HAD to die for us became too much. I will never be able to know the full extent of the love He has for me and that in itself hurts also.
On Saturday, I was reminded of the sin that I had been walking in. It kind of felt as if my eyes had become so accustomed to the dark that for a while I felt as if the dark was the light. But I had my eyes open and I realized that I had been walking in so much sin. I am a sinner. Yes I am a daughter of a King and His beloved but I am also a sinner. If I forget that then what is the meaning of the Gospel to me?
Normally I would realize that and I would be driven to an even lower place, just with the realization that I am a sinner. But God has been building everything up to that point, where I realize that my sins are why He has died. He is a good daddy, he does not want us to be driven to shame and guilt when we realize what He has done for us. I am a sinner and I am broken, but God let me experience a love so great that I didn't feel any guilt or shame for what I have done, am doing, and will do. Finally, God has given me victory through that.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)